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Old 02-12-2013, 10:46 AM   #1
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A few jokes that are new to me.


HOW TO START A FIGHT


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as


a Christmas gift...


The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.


When she asked me why, I replied,


"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started.....


________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.


The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.


"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."


He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"


"Nah, she can order for herself."


And that's when the fight started.....


_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school


reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his


drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.


I asked her, "Do you know him?"


"Yes", she sighed,


"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking


right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he


hasn't been sober since."


"OH NO" I said, "Who would think a person could go on


celebrating that long?"


And then the fight started...


________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting


to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had


something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,


making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she


thought of a clever way to make her point.


When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall


grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing


scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into


the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again


I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the


grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.


She asked, "What's on TV?"


I said, "Dust."


And then the fight started...


________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my


lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the


boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential


downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the


garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather


would be bad all day.


I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back


into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different


anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is


terrible."


My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And can you believe my


stupid husband is out fishing in that?"


And that's how the fight started...


_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming


anniversary.


She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in


about 3 seconds."


I bought her a bathroom scale.


And then the fight started......


______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply


for Social Security.


The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to


verify my age.


I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at


home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have


to go home and come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.


So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.


She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for


me' and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at


the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped


your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'


And then the fight started...


________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.


She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,


"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you


to pay me a compliment.'


I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."


And then the fight started........


________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!


The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!


He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'


So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'


That's how the fight started.









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Old 02-12-2013, 10:53 AM   #2
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What a great way to start the day....!!
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Old 02-12-2013, 09:25 PM   #3
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LMFAO!
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Old 02-12-2013, 10:04 PM   #4
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Old 02-12-2013, 10:11 PM   #5
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There was a guy speeding down the highway. He looked in his rear view mirror and saw a cop. He increased his speed. The cop turned on his lights and siren. The guy increased his speed. The cop kept following him. So he finally gave up and pulled over. The cop was very angry and waked up to the car. He asked the driver. Why are you speeding? He told the cop "my wife left mr for a cop, and I thought you were bringing her back"
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Old 02-13-2013, 10:12 AM   #6
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I read these to DH, he was ROFL.
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Old 02-15-2013, 09:42 AM   #7
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Those aren't jokes, there true stories.
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Old 02-15-2013, 02:53 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Caveman CBB View Post
Those aren't jokes, there true stories.
^^^ Now that there is FUNNY!

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