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Old 06-01-2011, 08:30 PM   #1
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and then the fight started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started......

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
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Old 06-01-2011, 09:01 PM   #2
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Now that's funny.....I don't care who you are.
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Old 06-01-2011, 10:29 PM   #3
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My wife and I went to the hardware store the other day. When it was time to check out, the girl behind the counter asked "do you need a bag?"

"No Thanks" I replied, "I brought one with me."

And......that is when the fight started.
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Old 06-04-2011, 02:54 PM   #4
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my wife has an electric blender, and electric toaster an electric breadmaker. She said " There is tooo much electric gadgets in here, I have nowwhere to sit down. So i bought her an electric chair.....
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Old 06-04-2011, 03:22 PM   #5
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I'm sitting here with my 87 yo mom and her 91 yo friend, I read all the jokes to these ladies and they were cracking up! Thank you!
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Old 06-04-2011, 03:31 PM   #6
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My wife and I went into a lady's undergarment store at the mall in Texas, and I told the girl my wife was looking for a bra, she ask me "Playtex" and I said not now---That when the fight started
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Old 06-04-2011, 09:26 PM   #7
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These are all great. And I really needed a laugh today. Thanks!
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Old 06-06-2011, 09:28 PM   #8
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I was out in the garage with a buddy, when he turned to me and said, "hay, your lovely wife is here." I replied "Hell, I didn't know I remarried!"

And....that is when the fight started!
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Old 06-08-2011, 06:41 PM   #9
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "


------and THEN the fight started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 06-08-2011, 07:39 PM   #10
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One morning when I was married to a lady I now respectfully call "Mrs. Plaintiff" I took a day off from work on the spur of the moment.
As I was enjoying a second cup of coffee and a leisurely read of the morning paper, the phone rang.
I answered and then said... "I'm sorry, you'll have to check with the Coast Guard or the Weather Bureau for that information, sir." ...and then hung up.
Mrs. "P" then asked, rather too nonchalantly, "Who was that, dear?" ...to which I replied,
"It must have been a wrong number... some guy wanted to know if the coast was clear."
...It was a number of years later before that protracted fight was finished.
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Old 06-08-2011, 11:47 PM   #11
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Very good!
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