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Old 02-21-2013, 11:09 AM   #1
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Cats and Dogs

How to Give a Cat a Pill...

1. Pick up cat, and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth, and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm, and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, and hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler, and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler, and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth, and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel, and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure the pill is not harmful to humans, and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm, and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away, and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to your neighbor who crashed into a fence while swerving to avoid your cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically, and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers, and forearm, and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for BCSPCA to collect a mutant cat from hell, and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill ...

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

... and voila!!! Done.

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Old 02-21-2013, 02:21 PM   #2
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I'll be cackling for a week over that!
- 2 cats: Coco & Lola

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Old 02-21-2013, 02:34 PM   #3
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Woo loved that the dog man I am that is
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Old 02-21-2013, 10:13 PM   #4
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Too true and nearly woke DW laughing. My Dawg agrees. She perked up at the cackling I was doing.
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Old 02-21-2013, 10:45 PM   #5
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Having two dogs and a cat, your story is the absolute truth!!!!
Loved it, very funny, true but funny. LOL
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Old 02-22-2013, 11:03 AM   #6
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Oh I'm not so sure. I had a dog once that could taste the pill no matter what you wrapped it in and how high in the air you threw it. He would eat the bacon, hot dog, or what ever then spit the pill right out on the ground. Then give you a look like "Lets do this game again, it's fun".
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Old 02-22-2013, 11:53 PM   #7
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And wasn't it funny watching the dog's tongue action as he separated that pill from the meat and spat it out, then looked up at you as if to say, "what the heck did you put THAT in there for?!"
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Old 03-01-2013, 09:48 PM   #8
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OMG! I have tears running down my cheeks from laughing so hard and my hubby and dog are both looking at me like I've totally lost it. I have to steal this for my facebook status update since we call the cat "the cat from hell" a LOT!!!
"You only get old when you are no longer interested in new things" - my grandma who passed at 92 years old.
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Old 03-03-2013, 07:03 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by tladouceur58 View Post
OMG! I have tears running down my cheeks from laughing so hard and my hubby and dog are both looking at me like I've totally lost it. I have to steal this for my facebook status update since we call the cat "the cat from hell" a LOT!!!
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Old 05-25-2013, 09:07 PM   #10
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I've sent this piece to at least 6 people. I laughed until I cried

Bob (RVM 27), Teffy, Kitty Kitty, - Full timeing during the summer
"Roughing It Smoothly" in a 1994 34' Allegro Bay DP
All of 190 horses but 11 MPG. 0 TO 60 in 62 sec.
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