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Old 02-02-2009, 09:07 AM   #1
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Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

If you have had one, you KNOW what Dave means, if you haven't had one recently you should!

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Old 02-02-2009, 12:47 PM   #2
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If you have had one, you KNOW what Dave means, if you haven't had one recently you should!
Too funny!
I have, and I do, and I will; all us polyp-makers need to. And he is exactly right, the OMG anticipation and trepidation is by far the worst part. The actual deal may not be a day at the beach, but it is a walk in the park. Thanks for posting this.

Ken & Carolee, 1994 36' Pace Arrow/Ford 7.5L, Mobil 1 full syn & Banks Pack. Towing a 1999 Saturn SL2 with Roadmaster Sterling All-Terrain & Brake Buddy.
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:14 PM   #3
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Funny and accurate, except for maybe the song selection!
Bob Russo
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Old 02-02-2009, 03:09 PM   #4
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I lost an uncle last year due to colon cancer. I wish he had taken the time to have one!
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Old 02-02-2009, 05:49 PM   #5
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I have the 'poop" on a stick test from the Va every year. If anything show's on it, then I'll go thru that ordeal
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Old 02-03-2009, 02:45 AM   #6
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Several years ago, I learned a former co-worker had been diagnosed with colon cancer. He had quite extensive surgery and lost much of the lower end of his colon. Since then, he always carries an attached bag for --- well --- you know.

When I learned of his condition, I called to offer sympathy and assistance. I asked him, "What can I do for you?"

His response was "Go get a colonoscopy - right away."

I did -- and had a couple of polyps removed -- now I'm in that group which encourages other to do so, too.

Warren and Debbie, Deep in The Heart of Texas, 2018 Winnebago View 24D
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Old 02-03-2009, 06:03 AM   #7
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Finhawk, My father also depended on the "stick test", His colon cancer showed up after it was too late to do it the easy way (polyp removal) He had about 1/3 of his colon removed and went thru radiation and a year of chemotherapy. Please,if you are over 60, go thru the colonoscopy test to be sure. It is not near as bad as some people try to lead you to believe, and it is a lot easier than the consequinces from not doing it. Indiana Journey
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Old 02-03-2009, 06:15 AM   #8
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I have the photos of my September colonoscopy. I would post them but my wife got extremely upset when I emailed them to a couple of my buddies!

My next colonoscopy, 7 - 10 years!

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Old 02-03-2009, 01:22 PM   #9
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My next colonoscopy, 7 - 10 years!

When my doc said "four to five years," my response was that, as a polyp maker, it seems folly to me to wait any longer than necessary. He agreed. My next one will be four years after the last one.

And Guys, it's no sweat. Lay down in a nice warm bed, you get an IV that you barely feel . . . then you wake up. It's all over. You missed the whole thing. Forget about worrying about it. Think how good you'll feel when they just find one, and it's benign. Of course, if you're like most people, they won't be any - and that is as good as it gets.
Ken & Carolee, 1994 36' Pace Arrow/Ford 7.5L, Mobil 1 full syn & Banks Pack. Towing a 1999 Saturn SL2 with Roadmaster Sterling All-Terrain & Brake Buddy.
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Old 02-04-2009, 06:47 PM   #10
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For me, it's an annual summer ritual. I have ulcerative colitis and an increased risk of colon cancer. I've already survived cancer once - don't want to have to deal with it again.
Norm & Janet

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Old 02-06-2009, 11:15 AM   #11
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Well I have had my share of them. Two bouts of colon cancer, 1 1/2 years apart, even with chemo after the first one. Been free now for 13 years. Had about 15 of them things run,, now they use a short tube, don't need the one that is 5' long. Life is sweet.

I usually put a piece of tape on my rear just before going into procedure room with "Please be gentle" and smiley face or something like that. Always gets a picture taken of my rear.
I had so many I was used to it, that my first doctor that did about 10 of them let me stay a wake (just almost out) and watch it on the monitor.

But reguardless of what we think about the procedure, it is worth every bit of discomfort to stay alive.

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Old 02-07-2009, 09:04 AM   #12
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That is pretty funny. There is an email going around about some of the funny comments doctors have heard from patients I wish I could post here - like, "Doc, would you write a note to my wife and tell her you did not find my head?"

I watched the first one, which I believe was a Sigmoidoscopy; pretty weird. The second, which as I recall went a lot further, they put me out. That works for me, I missed the whole thing.

But I agree, everyone should do it, not just for yourself, but also to spare those that you care about and care about you the misery and agony of watching you die unnecessarily. I consider not doing it, when a person is aware they should, to be selfish.
Ken & Carolee, 1994 36' Pace Arrow/Ford 7.5L, Mobil 1 full syn & Banks Pack. Towing a 1999 Saturn SL2 with Roadmaster Sterling All-Terrain & Brake Buddy.
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Old 02-15-2009, 07:56 AM   #13
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As a recent and semi frequent colonoscopy recepient I am glad to say that the last one I had, the drink stuff consisted of a couple packets of stuff that each went into a 32oz bottle of gatorade. The only stipulation was that it was not to be any red colored gatorade. The instructions gave me 2 hours to drink the stuff and was specific as to what time I should start. The colonoscopy found a couple polyps which were removed and found to be benign. I was awake during the proeedure and watched as the "lasoo" snipped off the polyps. All in all it was easier than it had been in the past.
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Old 02-16-2009, 06:30 AM   #14
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If there is anything in your history that ups your chances, your lifestyle or family medical you should get a baseline at 40. I messed around and didn't until 45 and was lucky clean bill of health. My grandfather died of it so my risk is real. He also had only had the stick test and the finger for prostate, the ganged up and got him at 68. Early they can can clean you up during the colonoscopy late and you'll be getting fitted for a box! Or in my case an urn since since I want creamated!

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