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Old 09-29-2014, 10:21 PM   #1
Lit
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Location: Ohio
Posts: 207
Elderly Banking

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent
to a bank by an 82-year-old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for
only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed
that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom
you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require
your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required
of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR
ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7 again

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact
will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy
an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client


And remember: Don't make old people mad. We
don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much
to piss us off.
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Old 09-30-2014, 05:57 AM   #2
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Beautiful!
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Old 09-30-2014, 08:18 AM   #3
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