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Old 06-12-2013, 09:52 PM   #1
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God and Lawn Care

GOD:
Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:

Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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Old 06-12-2013, 10:08 PM   #2
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That's a fact Jack
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Old 06-12-2013, 10:11 PM   #3
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when its written out like this lawn care doesn't seem such a bright idea. I'll try to convince DW not to cut/care the lawn....wonder how that will work out?
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Old 06-12-2013, 11:03 PM   #4
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Hard to play golf and find your ball in the weeds and leaves or line up a putt on uncut grass.
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Old 06-13-2013, 03:31 AM   #5
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Hard to play golf and find your ball in the weeds and leaves or line up a putt on uncut grass.
You just need bigger balls.
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Old 06-13-2013, 04:51 AM   #6
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Hi Wayne,
Thanks for posting that.

Oh... don't get me started, I been say'n this for years! This is my number one pet peeve.

Sow the grass seeds, water & fertilize, harvest and bag the grass and pay to have it hulled off to the landfill. It don't get no dumber n that.

If God intended grass to only be two inches tall he/she'd have stopped it from growing any taller. What an atrocious waste of resources... Water, fertilizer, gas & oil. Oh and the excess fertilizer runs off and pollutes our ponds, lakes and rivers. How "green" can that be? And noise pollution, holy cow... lawn mowers, weed eaters, edgers, hedge trimmers and leaf blowers... grrrr! Most people don't take me serious and think... yea but really we know it's the right thing to do and everybody does it right? Geez, I even own rental property with HOAs that will fine me if the grass isn't kept just so! So I pay a lawn service to do it. I say pave it and paint it green or just choose some sort of ground cover that doesn't grow too high. And if you just happen to like playing with plants then plant a garden for gosh sakes! [/rant] <big grin... sort of>

Regards,
Tom the Pilot. (BTW, did I mention that I think growing & mowing lawns is stupid?)
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Old 06-13-2013, 06:32 AM   #7
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Great read I work on jet engines but do lawn care in evenings I keep clippings for compost I hate my HOA with 2 boats and 2 rv's
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Old 06-13-2013, 10:57 AM   #8
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When we had a condo our rules claimed you couldn't work on your car in the underground garages. They attempted to fine me for changing a flat.
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Old 06-13-2013, 11:02 AM   #9
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Gave me a chuckle. Good story.
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Old 06-13-2013, 11:15 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Fred1609 View Post
when its written out like this lawn care doesn't seem such a bright idea. I'll try to convince DW not to cut/care the lawn....wonder how that will work out?
Probably about the same as it has for me not well at all !
DW, won't move the hoses and can't run the mower, but wants to see it green. Plants flower pots around the patio, forgets to water them, then gives me .... when the flowers die.
But I still love her.
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Old 06-13-2013, 11:23 AM   #11
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Lawn care and yard work - two reasons I became a full timer.
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Old 06-13-2013, 11:47 AM   #12
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Lawn care and yard work - two reasons I became a full timer.
Yup!
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Old 06-13-2013, 12:16 PM   #13
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I watch my neighbors do all of the above. Silly, just plain silly.

I guess I'm the exception. I don't water when it gets dry- let the grass go dormant; however when I wash the cars I will pull them onto the grass so the water doesn't just run down the driveway & into the storm sewers. I cut but don't bag - let the clippings return nitrogen to the soil. I mulch our leaves in the fall, bag 'em w/the lawnmower & spread them on the flower beds. Trying to be a good steward for the next generation.

Lori-
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Old 06-13-2013, 12:33 PM   #14
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On top of everything else, the lawn mower engine, being unregulated, puts out far more air pollution than a modern automobile. According to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), a new gas powered lawn mower produces volatile organic compounds and nitrogen oxides emissions air pollution in one hour of operation as 11 new cars each being driven for one hour.

Joel
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