Golf

[Scottsdale]

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a thirty foot putt. For a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two double bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

One of my personal favorites:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00am to mow the grass.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you spend longer praying than you would do in church.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse)…

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs when you are performing Brain Surgery !!!!

[frankdamp]

Golf:

An activity in which one attempts to drive a small ball into an even smaller hole with weapons that are singularly ill-designed for the purpose.

Winston Churchill

[ParTheCourse]

Hey now just a minute, I resemble all of that:

[RickO]

Thanks for the chuckle. All so true.

[jwomack]

I think it was Arnold Palmer who once said " Golf is like sex. You don't have to be good at it to enjoy it."

[Route 66]

.................and always swing as hard as you can, in case you hit the ball................

[elp70]

...No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.... Right! Just ask Tiger - now they're kicking his caddy off the tour plane.

[Kountry87Air]

Thanks for posting! I've seen some of these before, others never. I copied them all to a file and will dole them out to friends over the long winter..thanks to you I have enough golf witicisms to make it through the winter!

[John H...]

1. Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic and, while this cannot be measured scientifically, the more expensive the ball, the greater this water-magnetism.
2. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
4.Errors go somewhere. If your driver is hot, your putter is ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you keep your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.
5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
9. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
10. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
11. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.
12. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
13. It's not a 'gimme' if you're still away.
14. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
15. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
16. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

17. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
18. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
19. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
20. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
21. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
22. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
23. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
24. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
25. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
26. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
27. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
28. Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play
29. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
30. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
31. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
32. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
33. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
34. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
35. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
36. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
37. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
38. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
39. You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
40. A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than one golfer.
41. All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
42. An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the bush.
43. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
44. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
45. Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater that desire.
46. Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into water.
47. It’s easier to get up at 6 AM to play golf than at 10 AM to mow the yard.
48. The frequency with which balls are lost increases as the available supply decreases.
49. The secret of golf is: use your real swing to take the big divot, use your practice swing to make the shot, and always hit your do-over first.
50. Your best round of golf will be immediately followed by your worst round. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

[Wayne M]

To improve youyr game of golf, take a two week vacation from the game, then quit it altogether.

[Seajay]

A thousand thanks for the good giggles guys. I learned everything I needed to know about Golf from being a caddy when I was a kid.
1. You must be able to swear for two minutes without repeating yourself.
2. ''This club has a crooked handle''
3. ''This ball is not round''
4. ''Someone stepped on the green and fouled up my putt''
5. ''The creek has moved closer messing me up''
6. ''My caddy is uglier than your caddy''
7. ''That jet at 40 thousand feet messed up my putt''.
8. ''Why did they put trees in the fairway''?
9. ''If they hadn't moved the hole yesterday, I would have made that putt today''...
10. ''The water in the creek is where the sandbar in the creek use to be''....

These are some of the things I learned about golf. Maybe that is why I never took up the game for pleasure.
May all you golfers never lose your balls.......lol.....

Lets all remember our Veterans on their special day and B.T.W. HAPPY BIRTHDAY U.S. MARINE CORPS also......

Nuff said for now .....

[Wayne M]

You're a month early!

[Seajay]

When I was a kid I caddied for a man named Bill Picket. He was a carpenter contractor and he thought I was the greatest thing sine sliced bread. He got me with the ''luck of the draw'' down at Blair Park one Saturday. When I started to caddy a friend told me to count the ''steps'' from various places on the golf course between the holes and memorize them for the golfer. Learn how the golfer plays and suggest clubs for certain distances in ''steps'' and this will make the golfer very happy. IT WORKED REAL GOOD....

When I caddied for Bill I watched carefully and soon learned how far he could hit and how accurate he was. By about the fifth hole I was recomending clubs started taking my advise. He had a playing partner named ''Cakie Secrest'' and he didnt like me at all because Bill went from a loser to a winner most of the time and ''Cakie'' blamed it on that damn caddy....(me) Bill would always split the winnings with me and some times I would bring home twenty dollars and this was in the early fifties when twenty dollars would buy a weeks worth of groceries. When they would hit off the ''t'' I was always first to Bills shot espcecially if he was in the rough, woods or creek. His ball was always in the ''clear'' and not in the water so it would be easy to hit for his second shot and I always had and ''extra'' ball in my sock just in case he hit a real bad shot and we lost the ball. ''Cakie'' accused me of cheating for Bill and he told me so . ''That little SOB always gets to your ball and it aint never in foul terf or wet, I think he is cheating for you Bill''........Bill said if he called me a SOB again that he (Bill) would smash his face and he was big enough to do it too. One Sunday Bill was playing really bad. They were playing a gambling game on each hole called ''Scats''...(dont ask me how it worked but it was some sort of thing where they would ''double up'' the bet or half the bets or something) Anyhow, Bill was doing so bad that when we hit the fifteenth hole he took the bag from me and made me play the last three holes. He said he would cover all bets and see if he was as good a caddy as I was. ''Cakie'' bitched about this also and Bill told him to shut the 'f' up and hit the ball. I won two of the last three holes. Cakie was not a happy golfer and when we got back to the ''shack and putting green Bill made a big issue as to how I had beaten Cakie two out of three''

That was about the extent of my golfing.....

Vets day is coming on Nov 11. Go to a parade and bring a flag and cheer for our Vets and salute the colors and be respectful to all the people that have given you your freedoms and never forget our Vets. please remember this ...... I am a vet but I consider the real hero's the guys that had to put it on the line like so many that served so honorably. Not myself. They are my hero's just like they should be your hero's. God Bless our Veterans........