How to Simulate Shipboard Life in the US Navy

[Dave Fernandez]

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">"Good Old Days"�</span>

1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet.

2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain,
shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."�

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and
move the shower head down to chest level.

5. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as
hard as you can until you're nauseous.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of Water and set it to "High"� for that
ship board smell.

8. Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.

9. (Mandatory for ex-engineering types) Leave lawnmower running in your living room 24- hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paper boy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week, Store up garbage in the other
side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale
bread, if anything. (Optional: Canned ravioli or cold soup)

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.

16. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so that you either trip on the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through them.

21. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

22. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.

23. Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man Overboard, ship Recovery!"�, run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea."�

24. Put on the headphone from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front
of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready."� Stand there for
three or four hours.

25. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured. "� Roll up the headphone cord and Put them away.

[Dave Fernandez]

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">"Good Old Days"�</span>

1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet.

2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain,
shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."�

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and
move the shower head down to chest level.

5. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as
hard as you can until you're nauseous.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of Water and set it to "High"� for that
ship board smell.

8. Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.

9. (Mandatory for ex-engineering types) Leave lawnmower running in your living room 24- hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paper boy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week, Store up garbage in the other
side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale
bread, if anything. (Optional: Canned ravioli or cold soup)

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.

16. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so that you either trip on the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through them.

21. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

22. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.

23. Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man Overboard, ship Recovery!"�, run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea."�

24. Put on the headphone from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front
of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready."� Stand there for
three or four hours.

25. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured. "� Roll up the headphone cord and Put them away.

[MtManLee]

lol good one

[Georgia Flash]

Hey,,,thats not funny!


Been there ,,,thats good.

[codgerbill]

Well.....
As a semi retired codger that served some time on a WWII class can (destroyer DD-629 & DD-702)we woulda welcomed a curtain around or "racks" we had the racks stacked 3 and 4 high (with barely enough space between racks to lay on ones side an no light of any kind) and during a storm the bottom guy got the worst of it .....An the only one that had air conditioning was the captain, it was a window mount unit that they cut a hole in the bulkhead (wall) for.

[Captain Bud]

Outstanding ! brought back a lot of memories...

[bjbkkb]

Dave, 6 hours of sleep? You must have been Air Wing or staff

[Chuck Linn]

I dont remember anything like that we had nice bunks and quiet except during the day when we were working I got to go to exotic countries and lay around the ship getting my rays never stood in line or got tossed out of my bunk except for one night on a LST in a hurricane but it was fun
Semper Fi

[Firedog73]

Chuck, Semper FI, sounds familiar. As a FMF Marine I spent some time on LST's one was a 600 series from WWII, the other cruses were on the newer, 1173 & 1175. Also was on the FRANCIS MARION for a cruise. Was on an LST in hurricane Inez; Worked in CIC during the storm--what a wild ride!!!

[TandW]

Rough seas at chowtime always meant there'd be more midrats to dine on. The most overworked piece of machinery during a West-Pac cruise was the single ice-machine. Engineers kept the messenger watch on it all the time. The "Roach Coach". Relative bearing grease. Engineering's junior ensign, who ordered the helmsman to steer 363. This same guy always brought a bucket with him when getting underway. The cold iron watch who finally punctured the hull while sounding voids. The forward inhaul breaking away while taking on bunker-c. The swell that swamped your ship's rations on the inhaul. Gooney birds!!

[Georgia Flash]

OK, a fathom of water line! Lefthanded monkey wrench! mailbouy watch! mid-rats on the tender! makin black under the Cooper River bridge! two hour anchor station watch! moor to the bouys! AH Cannes, France, Genoa, Gibralta and GitMo. The degauseing pier, refueling at sea and plane guard. High Line. Snipes and Deck Apes.
I like it, retired in 1979. Bill

[AAL747]

Here is another spin on the original post...

Ways to Simulate Being in The Navy if you are a Retired Destroyer Sailor:

Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut you off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc).
Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.
Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and night crew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.
Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire"� and then restore power.
At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a ˜black water system' boo-boo.
Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.
Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.
Use only spoons which hold a minimum of ½ cup at a time.
Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
Remind yourself every day: "It's not just a job, it's an adventure!"�
Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on the ship picking up jp5 in the intake"”if a lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.
Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.
Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE"� while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.
Paint your house gray (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent, paint your car gray, paint your driveway a different shade of gray.
Wait outside your dining area as a family member eats a meal, then have that person serve you a meal prepared several hours earlier.
Shut all blinds and doors at sunset.
Clean your house ˜till there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere.
Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.
Hang Christmas lights in June. When the neighbors ask, say, "deceptive lighting."�
Hang white lights when relatives visit. When neighbors ask, say, "friendship lights."�