Humor for Today
Humor for today
Whatever you may look like, marry someone your own age. As your looks fade, so will their eyesight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I intend to move in with them.
Most children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron.
My finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don't do me justice, they just look like me...
Tranquilizers work if you follow the advice on the bottle and "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN".
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Three hours ago it was grass.'
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
You know you're old when they've discontinued your blood type.
Every Meal is a Picnic and every Day a Holiday