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Old 06-26-2015, 05:24 PM   #1
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Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!


Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

A side note, I am not the author, this was an email sent to me this morning.

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Old 06-26-2015, 08:37 PM   #2
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Old 06-26-2015, 08:44 PM   #3
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Funny, I'm sure some guy may have tried this. I've seen pics of Leo's tazing one another and thrashing around. No thanks!
Clay & Pebble.. Miss Butter our sweet Goldie (Jan. 2005-Jan. 2015) Sissy our Border Collie
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Old 06-26-2015, 08:46 PM   #4
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ca'nt stop cryin from laughing this is just to funny
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Old 06-26-2015, 08:57 PM   #5
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Not the author......... RRRRRRIIIIIIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!!!!!!! We believe you...
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Old 06-26-2015, 11:38 PM   #6
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Some people are content to read and heed the warning about an electric fence. Then there are some that just have to touch it to see if it will really shock them. And then, there are a few that just have to pee on it... This guy must have been in the last group.
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Old 06-27-2015, 07:23 AM   #7
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Old 06-27-2015, 07:34 AM   #8
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HILARIOUS!! Thanks for sharing!
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Old 06-28-2015, 09:51 AM   #9
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friend of mine was going to try a shock collar on his dog ,but wanted to make sure it would not hurt the dog too much ,so tried it himself ,needless to say the dog collar got thrown out ,
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Old 06-28-2015, 05:58 PM   #10
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I had to read this to my wife, she enjoyed it immensely but now wants one of these things!
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Old 07-08-2015, 12:08 AM   #11
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I remember getting an email like this.....it's still one of the funniest things ever. I'm once again crying with laughter.
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Old 07-08-2015, 01:38 AM   #12
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O ... too funny. Another candidate for the Darwin Awards! \ken
Ken & Deb (WIT Club, FMCA, SKP, Harvest Hosts, and grateful volunteers with SOWERs)
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Old 07-08-2015, 02:01 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by bulldog2 View Post
friend of mine was going to try a shock collar on his dog ,but wanted to make sure it would not hurt the dog too much ,so tried it himself ,needless to say the dog collar got thrown out ,
OMG... that aint funny. My choc lab would never stop his barking, never. I also bought a shock collar to help my barking dog. He would bark and howl at a falling leave, lol. I got tired of constantly opening the sliding glass door and admonishing him. Nothing worked. It was non stop. So off to petsmart I go and I buy a nice shock collar for him. I went thru the training video so I was on it. It didn't work! He barked anyway. Dumb dog. So I take it off of him worrying about his neck without any hair from the shock collar. Did I have it on to tight? Not.

Well stupid is as stupid does. I should not have listened to my family. Test it out Dad on yourself. Several baitings later I gave in. Hell it cant be that bad I thought. At first nothing. "you're not holding it correctly against your neck. Try it again." So I did.

SOB! Stupid. Zap pow. I couldn't remove it fast enough. ZAP POW again. Never again. Dog you just go ahead and bark. I'll let you in shortly. Never ever never try this. NEVER. And hell no I'm not going to try out those electric dog fences. Just forget it.
Mikey (USN retired, Radioman)
Solo after 25 years since the wife went solo to Heaven

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Old 07-08-2015, 09:26 AM   #14
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Have you barked since?

Must have worked...

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