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Old 01-12-2007, 05:32 PM   #1
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These are not ment to offend anyone, but they are funny.

The Blondes are back (and in good humor-enjoy)

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

***************

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.

***************

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

*****************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.

****************

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

****************

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

***************

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

******************

Saved the Best for Last!

This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
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Old 01-12-2007, 05:32 PM   #2
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These are not ment to offend anyone, but they are funny.

The Blondes are back (and in good humor-enjoy)

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

***************

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.

***************

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

*****************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.

****************

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

****************

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

***************

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

******************

Saved the Best for Last!

This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
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Old 01-15-2007, 05:42 PM   #3
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Another Blonde Joke:

SNOWSTORM

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Ohio were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street,
so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast,

when the radio announcer says,

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park..."

Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,

"Honey, I don't know what to do.

Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

************************************************** ******************************
I just had to POST this one.
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Old 01-24-2007, 03:27 PM   #4
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Here are couple of my favorites;

Q - How do you get a blond to come down that's hanging from a tree limb?

A- Wave!

Q - How do you get a newly graduated young blond off your front porch?

A - Pay them for the pizza!
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Old 01-25-2007, 03:26 AM   #5
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Two blonds were standing by a wide rushing river, one on the south side the other was on the north shore.

Looking up and down the river, one blond yelled accross to the other "How do you get to the other side?"

After sometime, the other blond yelled back "Dah, You're already there."
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Old 01-25-2007, 03:28 AM   #6
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Kablewizard:
These are not ment to offend anyone, but they are funny.
The Blondes are back (and in good humor-enjoy)

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

***************

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.

***************

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

*****************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.

****************

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

****************

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

***************

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

******************

Saved the Best for Last!

This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
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Old 01-29-2007, 09:38 PM   #7
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Or the young Blonde whose father told her that if she was ever stuck out in a snowstorm, she could just wait for a snowplow to come along and follow it to saftey.

Sure enough, she got lost in a snowstorm. Following her father's advice, she waited for a snowplow. When one came along, she followed it for a couple of hours. The snowplow stopped, the driver hopped down from his cab and walked back to her car. Rapping on her window he said "Young lady, I'm finished plowing the WalMart parking lot and I'm going across to do the Home Depot lot, but you're welcome to follow me if you want to."
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Old 02-25-2007, 07:09 PM   #8
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Kablewizard:
These are not ment to offend anyone, but they are funny.
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

My sister-in-law is blond, and polish. She is funny....and comes up with the best ones.

Q:What do you call to blonds with their heads together??????
A:A wind tunnel.
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Old 02-28-2007, 12:06 PM   #9
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How many blonde men does it take to replace a light bulb in a ceiling fan?

Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder.

...Not all blondes are women...
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Old 02-28-2007, 01:35 PM   #10
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">...Not all blondes are women... </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
I'm guessing this was not posted by Jim ED
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Old 03-02-2007, 10:37 AM   #11
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You got that right!

As a blonde, I just couldn't *not* make that comment.

Cheers, Judy
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Old 04-03-2007, 08:14 PM   #12
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<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Kablewizard:
These are not ment to offend anyone, but they are funny.

The Blondes are back (and in good humor-enjoy)

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

***************

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.

***************

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

*****************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.

****************

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

****************

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

***************

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

******************

Saved the Best for Last!

This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

These are real good. keep them coming.
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Old 04-05-2007, 01:13 PM   #13
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Divorced and Drunk

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
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