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Old 10-28-2011, 12:40 PM   #1
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MY COLONOSCOPY JOURNAL (Very Funny)

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

*Colonoscopy Journal:*

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried abo ut the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

_And the best one of all:_

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'


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Old 10-29-2011, 06:53 AM   #2
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This is great, thanks for the laugh
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Old 10-29-2011, 07:46 AM   #3
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After reaching "the age", can relate to this
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Old 10-29-2011, 08:22 AM   #4
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Oh Boy !!!!!!! Not the info I needed at this time. I have to go thru this in 3 weeks. I think I'll do a little more research, or postpone.
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Old 10-29-2011, 08:37 AM   #5
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even if your a tee totoler---VODGA---wish i had knew about this earlyer,,sweet dreams
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Old 10-29-2011, 09:02 AM   #6
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After having had 3 of those things I can relate to the article. What I really appreciate is adding vodka to the mix. I will try that next time. Maybe if I add enough vodka it could become tolerable.

Don
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Old 10-29-2011, 09:05 AM   #7
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Been there and done that not long ago. Easy Peezy!

I'm just waiting for it to come out on YouTube! LOL
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Old 10-29-2011, 11:02 AM   #8
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Well Possum, since you brought up the subject, let me tell you a true story (not saying the above is not true mind you) that happened to me.

It was the Houston VA hospital. Yes, I went through the same "post procedures" and voided myself of all "liquids" just as the OP states. Let's move ahead to the actual day.

I'm not their for just the colonoscopy, but also a barium. So here is what they do.

Colonoscopy came first I believe, then this:

"Sir, can you lay back on your left side?"

"Has the mile of snake been removed?" Complied

"This will feel a little strange as the barium goes in."

No kidding. Have you ever seen a bloated frog. The pressure is unbelievable, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing one can do about it. Because, they immediately plug the opening with a butt plug. Now here comes the the flouroscope of whatever it is called. They move it in little circles and lines around your body looking at martian pictures of your internal area.

"Sir, can you walk over to the xray table?"

"I'm not sure of walkin' but I can waddle." Off of the fluoroscope table I get, carefully. I'm still "plugged." And I'm asked politely to get up on the xray table. Then I am told there will be a series of fourteen xrays. (Yes, 14) I'm still plugged and the pressure is unbelievable, trust me, unless you have had this procedure you have never been in this much of a desire to relieve yourself (Remember the butt plug). It's impossible at this time.

So after about 5 minutes of "pressure" and the technician fiddling around with the xray machine, she says, "I'm having a problem with this xray machine, do you think you could walk to the next xray room."

"AAAhhhhhh! OOoohhhh! Yesssss. I think I can." (meekly said) So there I was with nothing but the hospital gown on, designed for a "little person," waddling (not walking) down the hallway of the hospital wanting so badly to get to the next xray room. And the world was my stage, and everyone was watching. (My backside)

This xray machine worked fine, and 14 xrays, and what seemed like 14 hours later, we were finished. I was then asked, "Would you like me to remove the plug here, or back where your clothes are." For some foolish reason that I cannot remember i stated, "Back where my clothes are." After another, what seemed like, 20 miles of me waddling we arrived to where my clothes were. However, this time we did not travel the corridors of the pain institution. We took the back way, and the technician said, "We'll take the short cut back."

WHAT? Shortcut? Please dear Lord, tell me why we did not come this way in the first place? (That was said to myself as I just shook my, by now, bloated head from side to side.)

We arrived. The technician said, "I have to remove the plug now." Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!. "Stand next to the toilet and bend forward." Ummmfff, Umfff! Uhh! Ohh!

Then she exclaimed, "It's stuck!"

"Stuck, what do you mean stuck?" I screamed. She tried again but could not pull the plug out. (Honestly, I am not making this up. These are actual events as they happened to me.)

I said, "Ma'am, you have to get it out. I need relief, and I need it soon."

As I'm bent over at 90 degrees, she tries again and I decide I'm going to help her by "pushing." You do know what "pushing" is, right. So she pulls and I push, and the darn thing really is stuck, but wait, wait, PPPPPPOoooooooPPPPP.

But it isn't a little pop, it's a big pot, and do you know what barium does when it is under pressure and is released quickly. It's like a spray paint gun. Or like a fire hose. Well in this case it was both, and it never made the toilet. And it (for the better lack of a word) painted the back wall.

I said, "Now you have to clean that up."

Technician, "Not me! One of the Candy Stripe's will clean it."

And so it went for my combination colonoscopy and barium "check up."

The above story is true. There are no embellishments contained within. It is what actually happened.

Where's my Pulitzer?
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Old 10-29-2011, 12:25 PM   #9
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I sincerely hope technology has improved and I NEVER have to go through that again. I have a spastic colon, the pain from the barium procedure had me blubbering.
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Old 10-29-2011, 09:36 PM   #10
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I received that Dave Barry mass email about 4 years ago, it's still funny. I can laugh at it now_.
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Old 10-30-2011, 01:35 AM   #11
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Wayne, thanks for the adendum. It's funnier than the Barry story. Thanks for the great laugh.
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Old 10-30-2011, 09:13 AM   #12
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Uh huh! Funny now, but sure as heck wasn't when I was going through it.
Thanks for the acknowledgement. I'm on my way now for the Pulitzer. (NOT)
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Old 10-30-2011, 09:44 AM   #13
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Or, as some clown spelled it in one of our local newspapers a few years ago, your "Pullet Surprise"
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Old 10-30-2011, 11:50 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frankdamp View Post
Or, as some clown spelled it in one of our local newspapers a few years ago, your "Pullet Surprise"
That sounds like some sort of chicken award!

Or is that when the roster catches her napping?
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