The Straight Dope On Food, Health & Exercise

[Wayne M]

The Straight Dope On Food, Health & Exercise

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is it true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So, a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice in health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

[Francesca]

I-
I-
I think you've saved my life!
May I share this wisdom with others, especially my Very Annoying Food Nazi Relatives?
Wait'll I prove to them that pork rinds are vegetables...

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!

Francesca

[Wayne M]

Francesca,
The world should know! Share it all.

And, once upon a time I stood up in my back yard and took in a deep breath. My son said, "Dad, you're out of shape." I had to remind him that round is a shape.

[frankdamp]

A British camedian said " if you avoid everything that's bad for you and only do the things that are beneficial, you don't actually live longer, it just seems longer".