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Old 06-18-2011, 09:33 PM   #29
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At preschool show and tell little Billy says, "I found out God's name at church yesterday, it's Howard."

"Who told you that?" asked his teacher.

"Everyone! They all started looking at the floor and said, 'Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."'

Barb (RVM18), Sena (capuchin monkey, RVM Head Mascot) & Lily (Maltese/Yorkie)
2011 Shasta Cynara 230F & 2012 Smart Car toad, 272 watt solar system
The Journey is Our Destination. Full-timing since 5/18/2011 and loving it.
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Old 06-18-2011, 10:05 PM   #30
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Location: North Central Arkansas
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Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support".

Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

1984 Heritage 2000 32 ft 1976 Jeep CJ7 toad
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Old 06-18-2011, 10:23 PM   #31
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Michael (Home base Northern CO)
USED TO HAVE; 03 Alpine 40MDTS Now RVless
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Old 06-18-2011, 10:38 PM   #32
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Location: Granite Falls, NC
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Gorilla removal service

I woke up this morning and looked out my kitchen window and there in my peach tree was a 900 pound 'Silver Back Gorilla' in the tree eating peaches.
I picked up the phone and called ''AAA Gorilla Removal Service'' and the guy said they had a cancellation and could come right over.
I said fine and walked to the front door just as he pulled into the drive way. ''You the man with the gorilla in the peach tree?''
''Yep, I am him''
''I got a little bitty problem. My regular helper came down with the mumps and they went down on him and he is out and if you will help me with this removal, I will give you thirty percent off the total bill''......
''You got a deal my friend''.......
He slid the side door open on the van and removed a very small ''Chi Wah Wah'' dog from a dog crate. I noticed that the dog had stainless steel canine teeth that were three inches long and as sharp as needles.
He then pulled out a super large set of chrome plated, titanium, unbreakable hand cuffs and handed them to me.
He pulled out a hickory pole about three inches in diameter and about ten feet long and propped it against the van.
He reached in and pulled out a chrome plated, double barreled shotgun, broke it down and put in two buckshot shell super powered with extra range........ and handed it to me ....
''You ready?''
''I sure am but I dont know exactly what I am suppose to do sir''.....
''Oh yeah, Ok it is so simple and I have given you the easy part but here is what you do and what I will do to catch that old Gorilla''
''First. I will climb the peach tree and start poking and gouging that old gorilla with this ten foot pole and eventually he will lose his grip and fall to the ground and jump up on his hind legs''..........''Then, this small dog that has been especially trained to attack anything that falls out of the tree with his long teeth and he will run around and around the old Gorilla getting him confuse and dizzy and at just the right moment the little dog will leap up between the Gorillas legs and bight down on his ......''things'' with those three inch long stainless steel canine teeth and the Gorilla will reach down to remove the dog from his ''tender zone''..... ''when this happens, you rush in and clamp the handcuffs on the Gorilla's wrists and we got him''...
''Sounds real simple''.......
He picked up the ten foot pole and called the dog and I followed along with the handcuffs and the shotgun. We got the corner of the house and I said

''HOLD IT''.......... ''You have explained the usage of the ''ten foot stick'', and ''the dogs duty'',,, and my duty with the hand cuffs and the total outcome of the job but why the heck do I have this shotgun loaded with buckshot?''

''Oh yeah, Well its like this........... Sometimes just sometimes when I try to poke the old Gorilla out of the tree with my ten foot stick he will grab the stick and knock me out of the tree''.......
''If that should happen, when I stand up, I want you to take that shotgun and shoot that damn dog.''............

God bless our troops ........
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Old 06-18-2011, 11:10 PM   #33
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
1984 Heritage 2000 32 ft 1976 Jeep CJ7 toad
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Old 06-20-2011, 10:27 AM   #34
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This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asked her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me
and buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband returned with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asked him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk???"

He replied, "They had eggs."
USMC (Retired) Not as lean - Not as mean - but still a Marine!

2003 Itasca Suncruiser 38G Workhorse W22 8.1L, 2005 Grand Cherokee Toad
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Old 06-21-2011, 07:18 PM   #35
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now this is a really clean joke...

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"!

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

It pays to read the labels, my friends!
Fulltime workamper traveling with Toy Poodles Cricket and Liza and Standard Poodle Gable
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Old 06-22-2011, 06:36 AM   #36
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Location: Panama City, FL
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I used to skinny-dip. Now I chunky-dunk.

I used to be on a diet. Now I'm on TWO diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

My wife said I should get in shape. I said, 'Hey, ROUND is a shape.'
Ray & Mary
aka Flotsam & Jetsam, The Wandrin' Waters
"Not all who wander are lost."
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Old 06-22-2011, 07:43 AM   #37
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The Dali Lama goes into a pizza place and asks, "Can you make me one with everything?"
Story here
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Old 06-22-2011, 07:58 AM   #38
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A waiter offers the special of the day to a diner which was "calves tongue" to which he replied " I don't want anything that came out of an animals mouth just fix me some eggs".
Del & Charlotte
RVing - Time well wasted
2004 Phaeton 40TGH w/ 2010 Acadia
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Old 06-22-2011, 10:45 AM   #39
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A guy with poor eye sight wants to play golf but needs a caddie to track the ball. The golf course assigns a 90 year old caddy-----the golfer protest but is told the caddy has perfect eyesight and knows the course. OK fine.

Golfer tees up and hits a smashing drive, then turns to the caddy and ask "did you see it"?

"Yes I did"

Good where did it go"?

"I can't remember"
I do all my own stunts
03 Dolphin LX 6355, Workhorse W22, 8.1 vortec, 04 CR-V, Blue Ox, Brake Pro----Norm, Barb and
Doc(He's a PhD)
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Old 06-22-2011, 09:37 PM   #40
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A beautiful lady is having dinner in her favorite upscale restaurant with her friends, when she asks the young waiter for the bill. He leaves and returns a moment later with the bill and hands it to the lady. As the lady reaches for her purse she passes wind like she never has before, embarrassed and ashamed she tries to save face in front of her friends by looking at the young waiter and exclaiming "Stop that would you?!?!"

Without missing a beat the young waiter says "Of course ma'am, which way did it go?"

Even a broken clock is right twice day!
2006 Ford F250 Superduty 4x4 Diesel 6.0L
1999 27' Gulfstream Innsbruck 5th Wheel
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Old 06-29-2011, 08:51 AM   #41
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable..'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'
1998 Alumascape 30RLS FW
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Old 07-01-2011, 06:51 PM   #42
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Originally Posted by Sergeant80
Love it! Miss him! The great communicator!

2005 Winnebago Adventurer 33V Mfg 09/04 8.1 Gasser Workhorse Chassis, Banks exhaust system, programmer and CAI system. Contents: Me, wife and two Labradors.
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