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Old 06-08-2011, 06:37 PM   #1
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Your favorite "clean" joke

A beautiful Poodle looked upon her three suitors trying to decide who would accompany her to the dog park. To test thier intelligence she asked each of them to use the words liver and cheese in a sentence. First was a Bulldog. In his gruffest voice he crooned "I like liver and cheese". The handsome spotted Dalmation did him one better with a polished "Liver and cheese are my most favorite". Last came the Chihuahua with his thick Mexican accent. "Liver alone, cheese mine". Bet they made a cute couple.
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Old 06-08-2011, 08:14 PM   #2
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The farmer was standing in his kitchen when ''Chicken Little'' came running in.
''Chicken Little'' screamed ''RUN FOR YOUR LIVES''..... ''THE SKY IS FALLING .... THE SKY IS FALLING... RUN FOR YOUR LIVES''....
The farmer stood there astounded and then he shouted....
''HOLLY CAT STUFF,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, A TALKIN' CHICKEN,,,,,,, I'M RICH''......

Thank a Vet for your freedom..... Some died so you could have it ....
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Old 06-09-2011, 07:24 AM   #3
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Two guys were seated at the movies when three nuns sat down in front of them.
The nuns wimples (hats) blocked the guys view of the screen, one guy says to the other rather loudly "I bet if we were in Montana we wouldn't have nuns sitting in front of us, there can't be that many nuns in Montana". The second guy says "and if we were in Utah I know there aren't many nuns there". Just then one of the nuns turned and said "why don't you two go to hell, there are no nuns there" !
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Old 06-09-2011, 02:21 PM   #4
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Did you hear about the guy in Australia who bought a new boomerang and went crazy trying to throw the old one away?
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Old 06-09-2011, 03:33 PM   #5
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Sven and Ollie decided they'd start their own recycle business, collecting old newspapers and phone books. They had a big ol' stake bed truck to haul them in and had "S & O Recycling" painted on the doors.

First time out they'd gone around town collecting stacks upon stacks of papers and the truck was loaded to the brim. It was time to drive them off to the recycle plant. They were just heading out of town, picking up speed, when Ollie noticed papers flying all over the place. They stopped and picked them all up, neatly stacked them back in the truck, and off they went again. Problem was, as the speed picked up much above about 25 mph the papers would start to blow all over again. After about the third time they'd stopped to pick them up Sven suggested he lay in the back, on top of all those papers, kind of 'spread eagle' like, and hold them down as Ollie drove them to the recycle plant.

Along their route was the Helgerson farm. Spinster sisters Ida May and Gertie were outside working in their flower garden as Sven and Ollie drove by, Sven spread out on top of the cargo in the back. As the truck disappeared over the next hill Ida May turned to Gertie and asked, "Dijya see dat?", to which Gertie replied, "Ya, vhat a vaste of a perfectly good Swede".
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Old 06-09-2011, 04:01 PM   #6
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I was explaining to my wife the other night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:29 PM   #7
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cuz' that is where he parked his coupe!

Chris
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Old 06-09-2011, 07:05 PM   #8
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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway. She brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:14 PM   #9
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a guy's dog was very unwell
he feared it was dying
he took the old dog into the vet
the vet had a look and said "I am sorry, but there is nothing I can do"
the guy was very distressed and says to the vet "are you sure?"
the vet replies well there is one thing I can try"
so the vet leaves the exam room and returns a moment later with a Labrador retriever
the lab sniffs at the unwell dog
the unwell dog doesn't move, just lies there flat out
the guy sighs, and is still very distressed
he then says to vet "isn't there some else you could try"
the vet says "well, there is one last thing"
the vet leaves the exam room for a second time and returns in a moment with a cat
just like the previous time, the unwell dog doesn't move, just lies there flat out
the guy, still very distressed, manages to thank the vet
then, the vet gives the guy a bill
the guy looks at the bill and says; "what!! 500 bucks - and you did nothing"
the vet says; "oh no, that's not quite true - it was you who insisted on the lab test and the cat scan"
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:33 PM   #10
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Why did the chicken cross the road? Just to prove to the raccoon that it can be done.
What happens when you don't pay the bill from your exorcist? You get repossesed.
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Old 06-10-2011, 12:30 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dbeck View Post
Did you hear about the guy in Australia who bought a new boomerang and went crazy trying to throw the old one away?
And one that doesn't return ...










is a stick!
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Old 06-10-2011, 12:31 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wayne M View Post
I was explaining to my wife the other night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "
And then the fight started!!

When will you get out of the hospital?
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Old 06-11-2011, 10:55 PM   #13
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The Wife
A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly make love to him regularly."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
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Old 06-11-2011, 11:36 PM   #14
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I am thinkin if Wayne survives till Monday it will be a miracle...

Be safe, Enjoy the Open Roads, Thank a Vet for our Freedoms !
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