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Old 07-16-2012, 06:45 AM   #3711
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Here's a reality story you might enjoy.

I went to "Lowes" (like Home Depot) recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $&*% yourself road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for my local Lowes Store. My mission was to purchase some paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store everything was normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't sit there reading this and try to pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that “Oh $&*%, gotta go” pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red apron clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new hardy laugh an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told that a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before my rear end exploded.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-b*&%! He yelled out, “did it smell that bad when you ate it?”, then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Target. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
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Old 07-16-2012, 12:52 PM   #3712
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Rotflmfao!!!!!!!
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Old 07-16-2012, 12:59 PM   #3713
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He made it all up in an attempt to kill this thread. Never happened and never happen.
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Old 07-16-2012, 01:51 PM   #3714
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Old internet story..

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Target. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter - Google Se.
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Old 07-16-2012, 01:55 PM   #3715
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;O

ROTFLMAOTMSFO=Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off Till My Sombrero Falls Off !
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Old 07-16-2012, 03:58 PM   #3716
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dunner View Post
He made it all up in an attempt to kill this thread. Never happened and never happen.
Since you are the doubter, you are hereby appointed as a committee of one to go and smell for yourself.

Please report back....if you can...
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Old 07-16-2012, 05:00 PM   #3717
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I'll post anything to keep you or anybody else from killing this thread.

Don't take it personal and
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Old 07-16-2012, 05:08 PM   #3718
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Quote:
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I'll post anything to keep you or anybody else from killing this thread.

Don't take it personal and
And in the event that Dunner doesn't, I'll be here to give it emergency bacon infusions to prevent death .
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Old 07-16-2012, 05:10 PM   #3719
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Old 07-16-2012, 05:16 PM   #3720
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Old 07-16-2012, 05:20 PM   #3721
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Old 07-16-2012, 06:10 PM   #3722
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Originally Posted by kat_nda_sand
I could start talking about "female" things... that might kill it!
With pictures?
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Old 07-16-2012, 07:36 PM   #3723
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Pervert.
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Old 07-16-2012, 07:41 PM   #3724
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No, healthcare provider aka Nurse. Just making sure everything is in its place No we don't want any of your pictures
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