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Old 07-31-2011, 08:37 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by Aguyfromcalg View Post
As a father of a 23 year old son too I am sadden to read about your sons troubles.
I wish I had some sage advice to pass on to you.
My only advice to you is to let go and let God take over being responsible for your son.
Pat
I think this unfortunately sums it up .
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:53 AM   #16
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Big Jim,

I am #2 son and definitely the troublemaker!
I got it out of the way early but the key to making me get my stuff together was a united stand by both parents!

You are right to be pissed, disappointed, frustrated,etc..

Don't let this ruin your marriage- DW has a different connection with your son and is still fooling herself that everything's better.

You and her need to write down or sit down and talk about pros and cons with the new situation. Then you need to draw up a contract (not legal of course) that lays out the do's and do nots for your sons return This list should be what YOU will do, what DW will do and what DS will do.

All cards on the table! Failure on his part means he's out!

The wife needs to see he is responsible for his actions that's why he went up in the first place. She has to be willing to admit it's not her fault- drugs screw folks up, it changes the way the brain works and only he can make his life better!
Very good advise! I like the idea of all cards on the table, and everything written down. It removes you both from being the "bad guy" and presents a united front!
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Old 07-31-2011, 09:22 AM   #17
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Very good advise! I like the idea of all cards on the table, and everything written down. It removes you both from being the "bad guy" and presents a united front!
I agree, but... been there, done that. a few times. It doesn't work. The one time we did actually stick to it, we moved him out of our house, which began a 2 year downward spiral that eventually landed him in prison for 2 years.

And now I'm told we are welcoming him back into our home, and paying for him to go to jr college, and he see's the light, really he does.

I pray it is true, but (and please don't call me "Debbie Downer") I know the relapse rate amung addicts is, what, something like 95%?
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Old 07-31-2011, 09:30 AM   #18
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Having gone thru this in the 70s from the bottom to the top and back again. What I dont hear is the truth or the facts.

You aint doing him no favors. Kick his you know what out. Let him see the other side of life. He can choose the big house or he can choose the good house. But it wont happen while living with you.

Rent him an apt or a room and let him go. But the only thing is be there when he needs help. The thinking that "If I can only get him past the rough times" is bizarre.
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Old 08-11-2011, 08:15 PM   #19
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Carol left after lunch today to go get him. They'll be back around dinner time tomorrow.

I pray he has learned his lesson. He can be a "good boy." He's clean, good looking, smart, and hard working. Like me, he has trouble sitting still, needs activity all the time. If only he can keep his head on straight, stay away from the "old crowd" and keep busy. He needs to somehow find a job quick. School starts in just a couple weeks, he'll go to Jr college with his younger brother, same days and times but all different classes.

I'm still gonna start locking my side of the garage again.
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Old 08-11-2011, 09:57 PM   #20
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Jim,
Prayer is great but make let him know you expect him to succeed! Regressing to the old ways is NOT an option! Unconditional love does not mean being the mat he walks on. United front from both you and Carol.
Ron
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Old 08-11-2011, 10:18 PM   #21
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Thanks Ron.
I will give him the help and support that he needs to succeed....
If he fails, the DW had better be good to her word that this is really his very last chance this time.
He's had a number of last chances before...

My idea was to place him in a halfway house, where there would be peer enforced rules, help finding a job, counseling and group support sessions, etc.

But she wouldn't even consider it.
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Old 08-11-2011, 10:21 PM   #22
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I wouldn't recommend a halfway house unless you knew the folks running it. We had one in our little town in Colorado growing up and the only thing that folks did there was learn how to be better criminals.
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Old 08-12-2011, 01:19 AM   #23
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First, take Wayne's advice. Second, at 23 he should be on his own. Sometimes the most difficult word for a parent to say and mean is "NO". Third, keep your back up plan and realize that you may have to do just that because you're going to have to be as firm with the wife as you are with the son. Or you're all going to live in misery. Our best and our prays are with you.
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Old 08-12-2011, 10:21 AM   #24
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Been there done that, give him your love and support. I learned how to be a man from my Pop. It's tough but you will never forgive your self if you don't try. Good Luck
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Old 08-12-2011, 08:01 PM   #25
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they're back, all's well so far.
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Old 08-14-2011, 11:33 AM   #26
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Keep your chin up and take it one day at a time. look for a support group for you and DW. Good luck and prayers.
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Old 08-14-2011, 10:28 PM   #27
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Oh my god bless u all. I have sons about the same age, it makes me nauseous to think about what u must have been through. You said something in one of your posts..that he's a really busy kid, has to be kept occupied. Does he have hyperactivity or attention deficit issues? That will make things especially hard. I like the idea of a written contract...perhaps with mandatory drug screenings as part of the contract. Your boy needs a united front. the other kids need to see that too.
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