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Old 07-30-2011, 05:29 PM   #1
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#1 son coming home next week...

well, since this is the only place I hang out that my DW doesn't also, I'ma gonna dump this on you guys.

#1 son (23 years old) is getting out after being a guest of the state of Illinois for the past 2 and 1/2 years. The official record says he was in possesion of "methamphetamine precursor". in other word, they sent him up for buying cold pills.

The unofficial word is he is a junky and a thief. As in needles and heroin and steeling anything that wasn't tied down, including tools I'd spent a lifetime accumulating, even including steeling credit cards out of my wife's purse while we slept!

He's recieved "one more chance" so many times it ain't funny.

And my DW has declared he will recieve "one more chance" "one more time."
Only this time she means it... and he knows it... or so they say.

If he does anything to trash my life again...
I am hitching the jeep to the Knight, hitching the honda to the jeep, loading everything I can carry, including the 20 grand in cash in my desk drawer, a couple of krugarands, and my passport, and rolling out of town forever....

I've worked way to hard to need to put up with this crap again.
I flat don't believe my darling wife when she says this chance is his last.
He's been momma's boy since he was born, and I know who comes first with her. And it ain't me, and it ain't #2 or #3 son's either.
And I am ready and willing to ride into the sunset.

The pictures show Jake and I assembling the engine oin the Camaro, Christmas break of 2006. He was home from a military boarding school we sent hime to (18k$ per semester) to try to beat his problems.

I love my son. He is so much like me it isn't funny. But I never took nothin that didn't belong to me ever, and I didn't ever let my "recreation" take cointrol of my life.

Any and all comments and discussion appreciated.
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Old 07-30-2011, 05:47 PM   #2
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Tough, tough call. My heart goes out to all three of you. In my opinion (and I'm the DW here), giving him yet another "chance" is no favor to him. It's too simple to call it "tough love," and we all have to make decisions that we're comfortable with, as a couple. However, he has completely and thoroughly, in my opinion, violated your trust (stealing while you SLEEP???). We have told all 3 of our children that the door is not revolving, and that as soon as they violate our trust, they are out. 2 of the 3 decided that they knew much better than us, and went on their merry way. 2 out of 3 have not yet managed college, are more than likely at least doing recreational drugs, and one at least has managed to suck off "the system" for years between welfare, unemployment, etc. The third and youngest has sat back and watched the older two and decided that she'd rather toe the line at home and reap the benefits.

All of this to say that once a "child" reaches adulthood and makes adult decisions that lead them down the path of destruction, we cannot save them. It has to come from within them or it won't "take" at all. We've learned this to our heartache with the oldest, and will no longer come to her rescue. Ever again. And she knows it. This means that at this time, we have no relationship with her, but in time, she may understand, or she may continue to head nowhere and live off the welfare system.

Best wishes to you both . . . I'm the mommy here and it tears at a mothers heart differently than a dad's . . . just does for some reason.

John & Cathy Lamb
43' Winnebago Tour
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:07 PM   #3
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I feel for you and know where you are at. My son wasn't as 'bad' as yours,but he broke my trust and did lead a life of self-destruction. When he would not try to straighten himself up, I put him out. He didn't think I would do it and had not made any plans for himself and as a result spent a few nights on the street. My heart bled and I was just short of rescuing him but perservered and let him be responsible for himself. As a result he eventually came around to be a happy and responsible person and came back to the family to visit. that was over 20 years ago and I heard him tell a friend recently that me putting him out was the best thing for him at that time as it made him 'grow up'.
Not related at all to the above, in June I had to put him in a nursing home (at 41) as he came down with MS three years ago and now requires help for all aspects of life, dressing, bathing, getting in and out of bed, etc. Life sure hasn't been easy for him and my heart bleeds again when I go to visit him. He can't even transport from the wheelchair to my car so I could take him out.
I hope your DW will come to her senses and make the boy grow up because at this time she is not only part of but supporting his problems.
God bless and take care of yourself.
98 Beaver Monterey, 3126 Cat
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:11 PM   #4
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Big Jim,

I am #2 son and definitely the troublemaker!
I got it out of the way early but the key to making me get my stuff together was a united stand by both parents!

You are right to be pissed, disappointed, frustrated,etc..

Don't let this ruin your marriage- DW has a different connection with your son and is still fooling herself that everything's better.

You and her need to write down or sit down and talk about pros and cons with the new situation. Then you need to draw up a contract (not legal of course) that lays out the do's and do nots for your sons return This list should be what YOU will do, what DW will do and what DS will do.

All cards on the table! Failure on his part means he's out!

The wife needs to see he is responsible for his actions that's why he went up in the first place. She has to be willing to admit it's not her fault- drugs screw folks up, it changes the way the brain works and only he can make his life better!

My DW's family is much the same, all her sisters kids are lazy and one (32yo and jobless) steals from them all the time!
I caught him and let the entire family know that when they come to visit I will personally search him before he leaves my home, if I even let him in the door.

Just know your RV friends are here to listen.
Ron & Wendy-Kansas
94 Pace Arrow 34 ft
25 yr Army retired 2006
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:44 PM   #5
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My only suggestion is to take those valuables that you mentioned to the world, and put them in a safe-deposit box, then hang the key around your neck, or give it to someone and don't tell them what bank or box it's in.

For all the rest you have to be your own guide. I truly hope it works out for all of you.
Wayne MSGT USMC (Ret) & Earlene (CinCHouse)
2015 Winnebago Tour 42QD
It is what it is, and then it is what you make of it.
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:51 PM   #6
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As a father of a 23 year old son too I am sadden to read about your sons troubles.
I wish I had some sage advice to pass on to you.
My only advice to you is to let go and let God take over being responsible for your son.
2010 Coachmen Freelander 30QB E450 V10
Have Kids Will Travel
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:59 PM   #7
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I truly feel your pain. Our son's step son (14 years old) fell in with a bad crowd last year and started drugs and alcohol abuse. He then started stealing from his mother and step father. First it was money from their wallets and then it was jewelry from their drawers. Unfortunately, we were not aware of the problems until after I was missing my diamond engagement ring and other family heirloom jewelry following a family dinner at our house which he attended. I tore the house apart looking for the rings and other jewelry and hubby kept telling me that I must have misplaced the items because the only people in the house had been the kids and the step-son. When questioned, he denied it but we all know that it had to have been him and it makes me heartsick to think that he probably sold it for a fraction of what it was worth to buy more drugs and alcohol.

He was finally shipped off to live with his father for a year and then pleaded with his mother and step-father to let him come back because "he had changed". He did seem to be so much better at first, but the defiance has now returned and he is sneaking out of the house and returning home reeking of alcohol. His mother is beside herself and we are suggesting that if he will not return to his father's home that she consider enrolling him in a military boarding school. I have no other answer for a child or an adult child who will not conform to the rules of the house except to be banished from the house. My heart breaks for the mothers of these children but when second and third chances are given and the children continue in the destructive behavior, then we as parents (or grandparents in our case), would be just as irresponsible if we allowed this behavior to continue.

Some may call it tough love, but I think that it is called demonstrating responsibility, and is the only truly adult behavior to cut the offender out of your life u til such time that he has truly reformed and can accept your love and respect you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please do not let this rip you and your wife apart. Stand strong together.

Faith and Bob, Bitsy the Papillon and Bosco the Chi-weenie....RIP Truffles
2005 Revolution LE - 2008 Honda CRV Toad
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Old 07-30-2011, 07:12 PM   #8
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i can relate to your problem but have faith my boy put us thru the ringer, spent many hours in court even more holding dw's head while she cried ,but after 25 years it was like at light came on, he found a good women, holds a job now may be more then one company in a year but stays working helping to raise his ten year old son finally. i would have never dreamed he would ever grow up he is fixing to turn 33 and still going strong so there is hope.

love him but be firm and tough good luck
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:22 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Wayne M View Post
My only suggestion is to take those valuables that you mentioned to the world, and put them in a safe-deposit box, then hang the key around your neck, or give it to someone and don't tell them what bank or box it's in.
Please, please please take Wayne's advise...if an addict wants to find it, they will I know how devastating addiction can be to a family and it sounds like you've been through the wringer!! If you do "give him one last chance" writing up a contract sounds like a good idea and he should be required to read it, agree to it, and sign it. Make sure it clearly states that any breach will result in immediate eviction. Good luck, many prayers, and Stand strong...hopefully united with your wife.
"The mark of success is spending an entire day on the bank of a river without feeling guilt" ~Anonymous
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Old 07-30-2011, 11:32 PM   #10
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Commitment to contract signed by all 3 parties here. One Last chance. Wife and husband must enforce the words exactly--one last chance and he is out. Strict enforcement is the words here. Your done playing games with him.
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:38 AM   #11
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I'm praying for you and your family.

It seems like it's time for you to take charge and be the father and family leader that is needed. If you feel 'one more chance' is not deserved, then make your opinion known and the years of evidence behind your opinion. Evidently DW is not setting the limits and structure that this boy needs. You must set, and enforce, those limits and boundaries. No compromises, no additional chances, its your way or the highway. You're hurt, you're mad, but you are in control.

Hitching up your stuff and running away from the problem is not going to help the son you love. God bless all of you.
Tom and Katharine
'07 Winnebago Tour 40TD, 400hp Cummins
'17 Winnebago View 24V, '02 R-Vision B+
RVing for 19 years & 150,000+ miles
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:55 AM   #12
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There is no easy answer for this dilemma and Im certainly not qualified to provide advice. However, I can offer experienced observations.
Life is a series of decisions and even doing nothing is a conscious action. Decisions also involve and require alternatives. Without alternatives, decisions are unnecessary and whatever is going to happen will.

Should you make a decision, it must be clearly stated, cast in stone and irrevocable. If that decision involves giving someone else a choice, they have to make it knowing full well the advantages and repercussions. Be it whoever.

Amongst myriad other things, life has taught me:
I was not put here to be a target for exploitation, regardless of who it is or how dear they may be.
People get away with misdeeds because they are not held accountable for them.

If I were again in your situation Id do as before by stating my position and clearly establishing penalties for failure. If prosecution for theft or drug abuse is one of them, resign yourself to it. Predictably, my limits were pushed and prosecution, along with divorce, the results.

But remember this, if you tender an ultimatum, youd best be prepared to expect and execute the worst-case scenario.

You are not in an enviable position and I truly feel for you.
Bob (Squidly Down Under) & Peg - 2013 Ford Focus pushing a 2011 Phoenix Cruiser 2552S
"In God we trust" to preserve our country and bring our Troops safely home.
Carry on, regardless..................
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Old 07-31-2011, 07:10 AM   #13
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Man, bring back the past, My oldest one had the same trouble with the hard drugs, not going to school, in court, we seek help for her and was told if she don't want it and we ( the county) call you to pick her up and don't, you get a ticket for child neglect, finally I put my foot down, and told my daughter, out of the house take whats on your back, no other cloths, no food, no tv, no radios, for we bought all this inmateral items and get out, DW was extemly upset, as we ll as me, but after a week she came home crying begging, and I still would n't let her in, no food was giving to her, no change of cloths "NOTHING", three days later she came back again crying, gave her the "CHANCE" and she too, kept her word as today she teaches sunday school very active in church talks to the younger generation and yeah even tells them how mean I was and how she played one parent agaist the other, but if it was for me pushing this Tough LOVE, she be 6 ft below, as I said she is a loving mother of two and a wife, and don't swear in front of her, for you will get the lecture, and guess what ,WE LOVE IT THIS WAY. those of you who never had the experance of a child on drugs, you are so lucky, the things missing, the lies, the disfunctioanl family it took alot but we brought her in this world and she took the wrong path, we seek help but the laws were almost on her side, the fights,the items stolen it was not fun coming home, it was not fun having a disfuntional family, as today we don't say a thing as she tells her life as a 12 to 19 year old, living on drugs. I am proud of her but back then, it was so differnt. would I do this again?? Yes , when the child plays one parent agaist the other, its a big deal, seeking help is also hard for the parents, the emotional breakdowns all from one child hooked on drugs, my advise what you are doing is good, seeking help from parents who's there or been there, as they are in or were in your shoes and pray for the best, it takes time, it takes the family to be a family.
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Old 07-31-2011, 07:20 AM   #14
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I think swamphog's last sentence hit the note. Seek help from others who've been in the same situation. If you can find a local support group that's where I'd go and make it a priority. If your wife hasn't listened before she's unlikely to listen to you now, but she may listen to someone else. It's worth a try. My thoughts and heart go out to you. It's a terrible and most difficult position.

12 paws, 40 feet and the open road
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