Here we go again with #1 son...

[Davdeb1]

I agree with most everyone here, discuss it with DW, Tell her you don't think he did it so you have to call the police and report the robbery. Let the chips fall.

[Dogpatch]

Originally Posted by Davdeb1

I agree with most everyone here, discuss it with DW, Tell her you don't think he did it so you have to call the police and report the robbery. Let the chips fall.

Sorry to hear you have to deal with this. We all like to hope it never happens to us and our families.

I have to agree with Dave et al.

[hamguy]

Originally Posted by JimM68

For those who can remember (search if you can't), #1 is my "bad boy".

He's also the one that DW loves above all else, including me, and has from the day he was born 23 years ago....
"
Today, my neighbor at work says "was your son supposed to be here over the weekend"?

and I say "No...."

So I hear this story about how my son and 3 of his friends are parked on the side of the building, next to my office window, pretending to play with a bad tire in his friends red monte carlo....
and my office window was open.
it was closed and locked when i left friday.
I gave it a push, and it just flopped open. The patches were pulled right out of the wood. The wood at the bottom was all cracked and destroyed. The crank out mechanism was trashed.

So I call the DW, and she talked to him, and he denies it.
Says he was there, fixing a bad tire, no idea why he was at my office doing this, nor why my office window just happened to be pry-bared open...

I leave a large quantity of cash in my desk drawer, and he knows this.
DW only has to say "I took him for a job interview today, and he got hired!"

I'd pretty much resigned myself to this life for the foreseeable future...
This &^^$##@ makes me wonder about just pointing the rv west and the hell with all of them.

Time for a dose of 'tough love' for both. He is a criminal and she is an enabler.

[melvonnar]

Originally Posted by Sky_Boss

I wish it was that easy...sometimes it just doesn't work. At some point you have to just accept the child for what they are. That is for one's own sanity.

The best thing we ever did was go to an alanon group for parents of addicts. It helped us understand how to deal with it.

I agree; You can't help some one that won't help themself; or refuses to help themself. No matter how hard you try. BTDT

[Sky_Boss]

Originally Posted by melvonnar

I agree; You can't help some one that won't help themself; or refuses to help themself. No matter how hard you try. BTDT

Even beyond that, sometimes they can't help themselves. There are clearly situation where the addict is sick and it isn't a case of moral choice. Too many folks see mental health problems and the means to "fix" them as voodoo magic. Sometimes we can't control the bad wiring that can happen, the human body in development does make mistakes. In many cases we can help others find coping mechanisms to overcome these problems. However, the person needing this help also has to have a clear understanding of the situation and desire to manage their condition. Even that is not so easy because they are sick in the first place and if they get off track of effective treatments they return to that sick state and loose that understanding.

Sometimes those of "sane" thought just don't understand the trials and tribulations of those with mental disorders and addictions...which often are 2 sides of the same coin. As I mentioned, some think addicts just are morally corrupt or have no will power. Yes, there are many people that lack will power and are corrupt but they aren't sick in the head either but there are millions of people with various levels of mental issues that attribute to bad behavior.

We can easily understand and sympathize with victims of "obvious" diseases and impairments. It is hard to do the same with those that suffer from inner demons.

That all being said, parents of these children (and later adults) that look normal but behave badly suffer a special hell. At some point we have to let them go. If they "choose" additive behavior, what can we do? I've had this happen to me twice. My own son and my step son both suffer addictions. Genetically, they are not connected but they are clearly brother's of different mothers. LOL

Sorry, this is starting to ramble but that is the frustration parents face in such situations. It ain't easy.

[wa8yxm]

This has nothing to do with your son but if you leave large amounts of cash in your desk drawer you might want to look into some "Spy" cameras, These come in several models some are disguised as common office items. But the simplest are about the size of a common LED light, they can be hidden in woodwork or most anything else, Very good quality. Put in 2-4 minimum (say one in each corner of the office focused on the desk area) and feed them to an "off site" recording device (Off site can be another office in the same building) Do not tell anyone you don't have to (That would be anyone other than the installer) and when cash vanishes, play recording.

More than one crook, no relation to office holder, has appeared in court denying he done nutting, only to watch himself on a video not doing nutting, (That is doing something he should not have been doing) Most embarassing.

The campground I'm in right now has a number of YOU ARE ON VIDEO signs scattered about.. One of my coffee drinking buddies mentioned he passed the office, wishing to talk to the assistant manager, and she had people in her office already.
A grandfather and grandson.. The grandson was the star of the video they were watching.... Him stealing bicycles from the rack in front of the family center.

What can I say, Grandpa may be back next year (he was done for this year after that) but grandson... Is personna non grata here now.. He did return the bicycles though. I do not know if charges were filed.

[melvonnar]

I"ve posted on this subject several times already: please; I have just one more post. Many parents blame themselves for the troubles their sons or daughters get into, and put a guilt trip on them selves. I can speak from experance; I have two sons, the one in jail and a sucessful son, I spent years trying to save the son in jail, I put him in every program that I could find. I felt realy bad because I spent most of my life trying to save one that refused to be helped, And I neglected the other son. who is now very sucessful. I tell my wife, its in their genes, good or bad when their born, until they can come up with something that can alter someones genes, what is, is what is.

[danandcarol]

JimM, As melvonnar pointed out, when people are on drugs, they will do anything, including kill, to get money for their fix. I'm sure not many people realize that their children/grandchildren will go that far, but believe me when I say that they do. Having worked in courtrooms, I saw 2 particular instances of this. The first one was a 15-year-old girl and her friend; high on drugs all night; came home and wanted to take grandparents car and go to the beach (she lived with them); grandparents said no. She went to her room, they used some more dope, then she went in the kitchen, got a butcherknife, and killed the grandmother. When the grandfather ran towards the kitchen, she followed and killed him. The other instance was a teenager, again living with grandparents. G'father got SS check and the boy wanted to steal the money, so he kept waiting for G'father to get in the shower so he could take the money out of his wallet. In the boy's own words, after about "10 minutes", he gave up waiting, got a gun from a drawer and just shot and killed the G'father when he bent down to tie his shoes. To this day, the G'mother still tries to help this boy and spends her SS checks for court transcripts and the like so he can appeal his sentence (although he pled guilty). I agree with the other posters, I would either leave for my own safety OR I would let the authorities sort it out and hope that he would have no choice about getting help. Although, my first thought is that if he doesn't serve prison time (which is likely to happen), he may act on that grudge. Whatever you do, best wishes to you and please look after your own safety.

[tomwalt]

Parents must try to help - and you have.
Parents must also identify when they are enabling continued bad (or progressively bad) decisions by their children.
I believe this may be the case with the DW - her motherly instinct is leading her to be an enabler.
Maybe you can help her to see this - in a loving way. Together you pick the path forward.
Don't plan the blame game cards or all will loose.
P.S. I have 5 kids and 7 grand kids - lots of experience. I also have 6 brothers. Two brothers were adicts and they had to hit bottom (in their 30's) before each 'decided it was time to change'.
It's a hard road - best of luck to you.

[JimM68]

#1 has been out of jail for just about a year.
He relapsed once, and detoxed on his bed in his room in our house... 3 days of sweating and shaking and yelling... his ex-girlfriend took care of him, DW was so pissed she ignored him completely.

I do not believe he is back on hard drugs now. He did have to take a test yesterday, as a condition of employment, and he passed.

I am ready, willing, and able to work with my son, and help him make a real life for himself.
I am also ready willing and able to throw him out, and he knows I would.

DW is another story... she's been giving him "his last chance" for about 6 years now. Just a week ago, we were having a discussion about his choice of friends, and leaving all his belongings on the porch was a discussed plan of action.
When we were discussing this yesterday, one thing she said was "maybe I should just take Jake and we'll live somewhere else?"

I love my wife more than life itself. Pointing the motorhome west and never looking back, while an option, is tough. the world is a lonely place without her.
We have 2 other sons, both younger. Both starting to wonder out loud why it seems mom loves jake more than them.... leaving them behind is the cowards way out.

Thank you my irv2 friends. your thoughts, comments, and support mean a lot to me.

[Lincolnboy2]

Oh my gosh Jim, my heart and soul floods to you in sympathy and empathy.

:(

[Sky_Boss]

Originally Posted by JimM68

...

We have 2 other sons, both younger. Both starting to wonder out loud why it seems mom loves jake more than them.... leaving them behind is the cowards way out....

This is something that is easy to fall into. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. The child that needs the most help takes it and those that don't won't. However, those children that can self manage themselves while the parents are putting out vast amounts of energy for another child that is in need does take its toll. They may understand down deep but that doesn't mean they don't resent. That apply both to "problem" children and those that have special needs.

We had to seek counseling to help us balance our lives and we didn't even have another child to deal with since my own son was grown and gone. A family like yours must seriously consider getting help for ALL family members.

Best Wishes!

[JohnBoyToo]

As stated you have done all you can do.... Tell your wife you are calling the police just to verify the truth and insure your insurance doesn't get dropped !

I lost a 16 yr old son in 2000 and the guilt was overwhelming.... causing the failure of a marraige...

What could I have done, What SHOULD I have done....?!?

we are raised to 'take care' of things.... sometimes we can't ...

I am now beyond happy where I am now and have a VDW you can too...

[Davdeb1]

With all due respect, I understand how your wife feels. She will have to also hit bottom with him before she is willing to do the tough love thing. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through right now. I hope you can find the strength to get through this crisis of life. All my best to you.