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Old 09-12-2012, 12:14 AM   #29
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Evidence of break in. Something missing. NO BRAINER. Police matter. Make the call. Chips fall where chips fall. Thats reality.
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Old 09-12-2012, 12:46 AM   #30
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Step daughter and two grandsons came to live with us, our Percodan disappeared. Step daughter blamed oldest grandson. Wife also went along with it. Step daughter got job after job, got fired from them all (money missing, abuse of a patient, other conspiring to get her fired, missing meds (she was a CNA)) the whole nine yards. We co-signed for a car, she finally got on welfare and moved out. She hid the tickets for driving impaired and also the notices from the CU about no insurance. She finally totaled the car out after we paid $$$ for repairs. Then she went into hosp. for leg pain, they diagnosed it as gout. Turned out it was blood clots in her legs. She died three days later when they moved to her lungs so we moved the two grandsons into our house.
It's been four years and my wife still hasn't recovered from the depression! I keep telling her "Things have got to change or I'm moving out" No change and she refuses to go to counseling "Why, they can't bring her back!"
In my case I'd take the MH and head south and east!
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Old 09-12-2012, 02:04 AM   #31
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Got sober 34 years ago, and have had to spend the last half of my life making up for the first. Wound up doing interventions and working with families and patients in treatment.

About 1 in 35 of all addicts ever get clean. That means stopping booze and drugs. Recovery, learning to live comfortably without those things happens to maybe 1 in 20 who get treatment, Maybe 1 in 15. In this case DW is the problem. Let her have it. Treat the kid they way you would your neighbor or someone you went to high school with. If he steals, the cops. At this point you want him to get the longest record the earliest he can. Oh, you can buy him lunch, things like that, talk, but nothing else. Let him know that he can come to you after he has had a month in a treatment center. he knows where the are, he can find them, and he can pay. The good ones are either terribly expense or cheap. The ones in the middle ain't so good. I could go on, but that's enough from me. I don't know much, I know whereof I speak on this subject.
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Old 09-12-2012, 03:05 AM   #32
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Geez, Mr. D., I'm sorry. I know the feeling. After I quit drinking my wife and adopted kids still blamed me for everything. I'd tell my wife I wasn't happy, or that she had problems, I had problems and WE had problems we needed to talk. I left after 2 years. Her response - "why didn't you say something?"
Anyway, I'm in Portland, Oregon, and dealt professionally with situations such as yours for 34 years. My professional life since getting sober has been getting people to do what they don't want to. I was a contract negotiator on both sides in labor, drifted into Chemical Dependency treatment then became well known for interventions.
I have a couple of ideas for strategies you could use if there were a way to get them to you. My suspicion is that you would "yes, but" me and when things got bad enough you could follow through.
Takes a lot of guts to write that post, partner. I envy you, but not the 22' you have on me. And I could write them out here, sometime, but sometimes it takes a fuller explanation..
What the hell. First thing, I'm retired. No charge. I might not even be worth that. Second, is to get her on an appropriate anti-depressant. She's sort of getting off on being depressed now, pretty much controls the world around her with that depression, and to give it up would mean people would expect things from her. Right now she's important and powerful because she's depressed. She rules the roost.

Think about that for a while, I'm only offering this as another way to look at the situation, not necessarily the correct way. Simply something for your memory bank, or to forget if you choose.
I'm going to bed. If you choose to reply to me it's <corcoran@corky.cc> And if you don't, I still admire you for the post and wish you and your family the best.
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Old 09-12-2012, 10:12 AM   #33
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When we were discussing this yesterday, one thing she said was "maybe I should just take Jake and we'll live somewhere else?"

I love my wife more than life itself. Pointing the motorhome west and never looking back, while an option, is tough. the world is a lonely place without her.
We have 2 other sons, both younger. Both starting to wonder out loud why it seems mom loves jake more than them.... leaving them behind is the cowards way out.
Sounds like she needs a little dose of reality . . . is she really willing to walk away from you and her other children??

I think you need to get HER some counseling and as Sky_Boss recommended getting help for the whole family might help.

One more thought (and I hope that this doesn't sound too cold), I'd think about talking to a lawyer before this goes much further.
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Old 09-12-2012, 10:21 AM   #34
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Can't imagine how tough it is , but wife and son aren't going to change ( no reason too ) .
Call police get son out of your life and let wife make her choice
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Old 09-12-2012, 10:52 AM   #35
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You have gotten a flood of advice here.....some very good, some marginal and some not good. No surprise, they are humans reflecting their life's many experiences. But know this, your dw is a BIG part of the problem, she has dominantly molded the poor character and lack of responsibility in your 23 year old son.......starting with her overwhelming love (?) for him since he was born. You cannot change her persona to be an enabler, you will have to decide to file for Divorce, or live with her the rest of your life. It's your decision to make. Call the police and tell them what you know....press charges.....it's time for your son and your dw to grow up. Good luck. Rook
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Old 09-12-2012, 01:20 PM   #36
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You have gotten a flood of advice here.....some very good, some marginal and some not good. No surprise, they are humans reflecting their life's many experiences. But know this, your dw is a BIG part of the problem, she has dominantly molded the poor character and lack of responsibility in your 23 year old son.......starting with her overwhelming love (?) for him since he was born. You cannot change her persona to be an enabler, you will have to decide to file for Divorce, or live with her the rest of your life. It's your decision to make. Call the police and tell them what you know....press charges.....it's time for your son and your dw to grow up. Good luck. Rook
lord I wish I would have taken that advice 30 years ago; too late now, but I think how my life would have been, not a day goes by that I don't think about what a mistake I made. My wife took off and I got her to come back, huge mistake. this is a long story and I won't go into it. I"ve posted on this thread several times already, but I keep going back and reading this poor mans problim and it is so much like what I had. I hope he makes the correct decision, you can't turn the clock back and you will live the rest of your life with what ever you decide, right now jack danels helps me a lot.
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Old 09-12-2012, 02:07 PM   #37
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You are right...you cannot turn back the clock. But, you can make a decision right now that will affect the rest of your life. Divorce is no fun, some are worse than others, but you can survive it and they all lead to the same place.......to be "free" of having to live with someone you no longer love and cannot get along with! Is it worth it?....for me it was......I do not regret it and I would never go back to that environment. Being "single at this age has many advantages and a few disadvantages. I now drink my Jack Danials in peace and in any location I choose....with a smile on my face, wondering what good things tomorrow may bring. Rook
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Old 09-12-2012, 02:22 PM   #38
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. leaving them behind is the cowards way out.
No it isn't. I was in a somewhat similar situation for 15 years. I was a quart of scotch a day alcoholic, she had a son who was a complete loser and in and out of trouble. I finally got sober and realized that I was hanging on quite simply because I was scared sh*tless of change. Every 3 months or so she would give me her "I'm very unhappy, I want to leave" speech and I would beg her to stay. The final time she said it, I just replied with something like "don't let the door bang your ass on the way out". I had finally called her bluff and boy did it feel good. She left, I stayed sober and the the rest of my life began right there and then. Whether you leave or she leaves, it is NOT the cowards way out. It take big cojones but sometimes it's the right thing to do in the long run.
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Old 09-12-2012, 02:33 PM   #39
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It appears he just out and out lied about not being there. After all your neighbor seen him there. As mentioned if money is missing I would report it to the police and let them do their thing. If you do point the rig West I guess I can't blame you. Good Luck.
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Old 09-13-2012, 01:13 PM   #40
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Let me just throw this out:
Why get in the motorhome and hit the road; don't leave your home your job and your friends. Its her problem not yours.
do this: the next time she says she wants to leave; tell her that you will buy two airline tickets one for her, one for the kid, to anywhere she wants to go, (must be at least 500 miles away), offer to give her, say $1000 cash to get herself set up. this you tell her is a no return deal. As soon as she leaves head for an attorneny and file the devorce papers saying that she has left you.
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Old 09-13-2012, 01:46 PM   #41
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This is an ongoing situation. It hasn't got better or worse for several months now.
I feel very sorry for this gentleman.
One thing we need to realize is that the OP himself, has as serious a problem as the rest of his family. In my opinion, by allowing this drama, abuse, disfunction and stupidity to continue in the name of "love" is much worse that the instigators.
The OP is standing by helpless and paralyzed by indecision as his family disintegrates. At what cost? He has acknowledged that this is now poisoning the affections of his other two sons against their mother yet he allows it to continue.
He obviously has had his fill of advice from friends, family and co-workers if he resorts to asking total anonymous strangers on the internet.
My advice: Do something, anything, something is better than nothing.
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Old 09-13-2012, 01:51 PM   #42
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OK folks...I think we all need to be careful on going beyond the OP's immediate issues of #1 son to the point we are suggesting how to get a divorce.

Let me recap some points I have seen tossed out that are repeated. I don't necessarily agree totally with them but they are food for thought:

1. Put the son on the hot seat and call the cops.
2. Put the wife on the hot seat about her position on enabling ways.
3. Seek counseling for the whole family but if they don't participate, make sure you get help for yourself. That can be with a professional or groups like Al-Anon. The important thing is to do it. Even if the other members of the family won't participate, if they see you getting help, that should tell them things are likely to change.
4. Deal with the situation as it is NOW...we can't go back in time to fix things.
5. Work on keeping the trust of family members that are NOT being the problem. They may be building up resentment.
6. Recognize that we can NOT control the actions of others, only our reactions to there actions.
7. Once you spell out consequences for certain actions, be prepared to carry them out. This applies to folks like #1 son and wife. Think this out carefully but failure to follow through with consequences only emboldens those we are trying to set limits with. (Again, this isn't controlling them, it is providing limits you will accept...they are responsible to control what they do to stay within those limits and you control what you will do.)
8. Protect yourself. Don't leave cash, drugs and other items that will be targeted by those needing money for what ever reason. Change YOUR habits because you can't control the habits of others.

This is by no means all inclusive or meant to be detailed.

I hope this isn't to presumptive. Best wishes to anyone going through this kind of situation. Been there, done that, got the heart ache and bills to prove it too.
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