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Old 09-14-2012, 09:38 AM   #57
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Folks, let's not get into discussing each other as it's not permitted by iRV2's rules.

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Old 09-17-2012, 05:20 PM   #58
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Jim, my heart breaks for you because I know how you feel. My husband coddled our son and it was me against them for awhile. I thought I would never get my DH to understand how much he was enabling our son instead of helping him. I finally told him if this continued and we did not parent together than they could have a good life. I didn't have to leave, but I would have if necessary. DH finally understood. We kicked him out, cut off the money supply and told him we loved him. Today, 9 years later, he is off the drugs, married with 3 beautiful boys. Not everyone has the happy ending we did, but I had just reached the point where I could not handle it any more. I turned him over to God and while we still worried, I knew I couldn't change him. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
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Old 09-17-2012, 05:23 PM   #59
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Good move!!
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Old 09-17-2012, 05:27 PM   #60
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I had a friend who used to confide that the only time she could be happy (safe) was when her son was in prison. This was rather periodically.
Best to you and yours.
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Old 09-17-2012, 08:01 PM   #61
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No it isn't. I was in a somewhat similar situation for 15 years. I was a quart of scotch a day alcoholic, she had a son who was a complete loser and in and out of trouble. I finally got sober and realized that I was hanging on quite simply because I was scared sh*tless of change. Every 3 months or so she would give me her "I'm very unhappy, I want to leave" speech and I would beg her to stay. The final time she said it, I just replied with something like "don't let the door bang your ass on the way out". I had finally called her bluff and boy did it feel good. She left, I stayed sober and the the rest of my life began right there and then. Whether you leave or she leaves, it is NOT the cowards way out. It take big cojones but sometimes it's the right thing to do in the long run.
Re-reading the thread, I had to point out that bdickson has a very good point and example. It is easy to say that you should stick through it, thick and thin. But sometimes it is best for all to move on. sometimes it is only for you and those left behind can't be saved. My ex and both of her sons have been in and out of jail without me to bail them out. But now I have a daughter late in life, of my own, who my DW and I will work TOGETHER to raise properly.

Good luck to everyone struggling with similare problems. Some times it is the coward who is not brave enough to leave.
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Old 09-17-2012, 11:43 PM   #62
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Sure wish there was a simple answer to this, but not--The people involved just have to work on it and show some tough love at times. We can all hope the scars get healed over time.
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Old 09-19-2012, 12:35 PM   #63
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Thanks again to everyone for your interest and your comments!

Being married and part of a family can be a struggle sometimes, and can involve some give and take and a whole lot of compromise.
Sometimes I choose to do some venting here, you all are my friends, and yet I don't know you. And the DW doesn't know this forum exists... People get very little privacy these days, sometimes it helps just to speak ones mind, where in real life one must always be aware of the consequences of ones words... one time I vented on FaceBook, that was NOT a good thing.

So anyways...
For now, life is good again. We had a great weekend infield camping at chicagoland speedway. DW and #3 son came out on Saturday, first time for them, and I think they are hooked now too
#1 son is working 8 hours a day, we'll see what he does with his first paycheck...lol. Sure would be nice if he could keep a job long enough to save enough money to pay his fines and get his license back... in the meantime one of us drives him to work, and she picks him up.
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Old 09-19-2012, 01:40 PM   #64
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Hang in there Jim.

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Old 09-19-2012, 01:55 PM   #65
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Best of luck Jim. After reading through this post, I thank the Good Lord for the life we have had. I'll be thinking of you.
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Old 09-19-2012, 02:28 PM   #66
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Going through a very similar situation as I post. Searching myself for the right path now and what I could have done differently over the past. Most important thing to learn from all of the post is for those who have not experienced the hurt from this type of life event are not qualified to understand what a parent goes through. You think you know what you would do but in reality you have no clue. Once you see that child in an orange jump suit and flip flops behind a glass all you think you knew or what you think you would have done all goes up in smoke. Sure you think, I'll let authorities sort it out, I'll leave them there until they get straight. I had all the same thoughts until I'm faced with the reality of it's not someones I know child, IT"S MINE! Having been through this 3 times I still search for the right actions. Just everyone remember, until it's your child you only have an idea of what you would do. Once it is real for you all bets are off. The way I handle most of this is the realization "I didn't do this. I too am only a victim." I love my child and won't give up on trying to find a solution to her problems. Support of others in times like this is critical to day to day survival. Don't be too harsh, don't offer what you think you would do, you may have to change your mind one day. This is speaking from experience.
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Old 09-19-2012, 03:06 PM   #67
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Many great answers here but... bottom line... treat a criminal the way you'd treat any other criminal. Protect you and yours and get away from the bad. Jacks up, away we go! No further contact. Trust me... been there, done that... when they don't have the enabler anymore, they'll move on to others (who will not be so forgiving) and WILL land in jail.

And... to the enabler: Someone above cited the definition of insanity... doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. The enabler tries to argue this point (trust me, I know) by saying "let's make this change and see if that works". The problem is that the criminal is, when it comes to getting something for nothing, pretty smart. They also evolve. Anything short of absolutely cutting them off will be perceived as something still there to get. I say again... up come the jacks and away we go. This isn't running, this is removing the enabler.
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Old 09-19-2012, 03:50 PM   #68
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I was an enabler for 35 years for our daughter. She had been diagnosed bi-polar in her 20's and we chalked everything up to that. 2 years ago, she went off her meds (again), left her 10 year old daughter with "friends" and took off. We full-time and were able to go rescue our granddaughter, go to court and get temporary custody. When we found out that our daughter was in a mental hospital in Jolliet, IL we thought "Thank Goodness". They released her the next day and she called and asked us to come get her and bring her daughter. Toughest thing I ever did was say "NO". Her older brother ended up flying to Illinois and bringing her back to his house in California. 2 weeks later, she left there and started living on the street. Turns out, it was not bi-polar, it was Meth. For the love of herself and her daughter, she has been able to start her life again. She has regained custody of her daughter, has a job, joined AA and NA and is doing well (for the moment). I explained that we will no longer rescue her, but if there is a next time, we will again take our granddaughter and this time it will be permanent. We still full-time, but I speak with her daily and my granddaughter about every other day to assess the situation. My marriage of 40+ years nearly broke up over the situation because I was spending so much time, money and effort trying to "rescue" my daughter. When my husband told me I could either stop enabling or go move in with HER, I had to think long and hard about the choice, but I feel I chose well and the ability to stop enabling my daughter saved HER life because when she realized her help and back up system were gone, she was able to stand on her own and do the right thing.

I'm sorry you have to go through this and hope you are able to find a solution that works for you.
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Old 09-19-2012, 08:55 PM   #69
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobbyl View Post
Going through a very similar situation as I post. Searching myself for the right path now and what I could have done differently over the past. Most important thing to learn from all of the post is for those who have not experienced the hurt from this type of life event are not qualified to understand what a parent goes through. You think you know what you would do but in reality you have no clue. Once you see that child in an orange jump suit and flip flops behind a glass all you think you knew or what you think you would have done all goes up in smoke. Sure you think, I'll let authorities sort it out, I'll leave them there until they get straight. I had all the same thoughts until I'm faced with the reality of it's not someones I know child, IT"S MINE! Having been through this 3 times I still search for the right actions. Just everyone remember, until it's your child you only have an idea of what you would do. Once it is real for you all bets are off. The way I handle most of this is the realization "I didn't do this. I too am only a victim." I love my child and won't give up on trying to find a solution to her problems. Support of others in times like this is critical to day to day survival. Don't be too harsh, don't offer what you think you would do, you may have to change your mind one day. This is speaking from experience.
Bobby--you are very wise. Unfortunately, not all parents feel emotional ties to their children and are able to turn a cold heart to them. For me, when my children hurt...I hurt. I wish the best for your daughter and your family.
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Old 09-19-2012, 09:57 PM   #70
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An old man told me once about his wayward son and how bad he hurt them over and over and over. He asked me what I would do.

I told him I would cut him off, No money, no cosigning, no car, no rent , no gas. Feed him when he is hungry and that is it. "If that boy was my son that is what I would do" I told him.

He cried and cried that night. Then he told me, "If it was your son, that is what I would do to, but that no good boy is MY son."

I was 19 then and 26 years later I remember how that smacked me in the face.

I was absolutely right in how to handle that boy. I knew that then and I know it now.

But the old man was right too. That no good boy was not my son.

By the way, the no good boy went to the bottom. When he got there, that Dad and Mom helped him up and now he is a husband, dad and Pastor.

Thank God for Grace

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