How to Simulate Being a Sailor ...

[Seajay]

"How To Simulate Being A Sailor"

1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow compressed air (or use a leaf blower) up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Have someone repeat loudly, "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all ****cans and butt kits over the fantail!"

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. Repeat the same movie several nights in a row.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations, shouting, "Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations!"

21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When you finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Call this "Midrats".)

2 5. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how quickly they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.


28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at
2200, saying, "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house (for the benefit of aircraft carrier sailors).

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill! This is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseated. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. ALT: Find the biggest horse you can, put a 2-inch mattress on his back, and strap yourself to it. Turn him loose in a barn filled with snakes for six hours and try to sleep. Then get up and go to work.

32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room and run it all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot; let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

36. Add 1/3 cup diesel fuel to the laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

40. Hire someone to hammer on a 55-gal drum at random hours to simulate paint chipping.


41, Hire the neighborhood bully (or a former Marine) to make the family line up in the hall before meals. He will order you against the bulkhead in line and let you in the dining room two at a time at his discretion and demand that that you keep the line tight and your mouth shut and make your buddy smile or he will personally bump you out of ''his chow line''.

42. Make everyone wait in line for everything. For food, for the bath room, for a shower, to leave the house, to come back in the house, to go to the movie, to leave the movie, to get a hair cut, to go to the store, and to get permission to leave the house and be prepared to be denied permission for anything without reason. Welcome to the Navy.


This was sent to me by Salvagedriver. Many thanks my brother.
God bless our troops and keep them safe ...

[Francesca]

I'd like to add to that list!
Here's how an IRV2 member simulates being a sailor...


Francesca

[Ray,IN]

Obviously you've "been there - done that" to all the above. BTW, you missed cleaning the bilge.

[desertrv]

I do remember a few of those. Of course after being in the service for 40 years, I probably have forgotten more that is on the list, Ha Ha.

[Wayne M]

Seajay, this Marine spent two years aboard a Navy Banana Boat (USS Eldorado - AGC-11), '62-64.

You sure know how to bring back some memories.

No, I was not a Bellhop, I was Ship's Company, Radio Gang - just like you.

[mick]

OK OK now wheres the one about the barrell ?????

[sdennislee]

Made me laugh. Funny none of that made laugh when I was in the Navy. Must admit made me a little homesick.

[Wayne M]

Mick,
Is that the 55 gallon drum barrel that we were called up on deck for with our M-1's so we could sink it? Seems the navy 40mm shooters never could hit that thing. Most likely they couldn't hit if if it were sitting on the fan tail.

[sfrantz]

Yup, sounds familiar. Just add standing the kitchen with an SCBA plugged into the wall for two hours.

[Pogo]

Yes, ain't it the truth. But, in a sick way.... I kinda miss it.

[Alan_Hepburn]

My Navy son liked that list, and sent me this link: F_un T_ime N_avy - A place of FTN and other things Navy

[Seajay]

Originally Posted by Alan_Hepburn

My Navy son liked that list, and sent me this link: F_un T_ime N_avy - A place of FTN and other things Navy

With all respects to your son concerning the FTN link I have a few questions.
one. When he joined the NAVY did he not realize that the Navy has ships that float on the ocean and their primary purpose in life is to ''go to sea''?
two. There is no drafting into the Navy as I know. Did he join of his own free will or was he ''Shanghied''?
Three. I spent four years in the Navy with 30 months of that on the USS North Hampton. I crossed the ''pond'' several times and have probably half a million sea miles under my feet. This is why its called the NAVY not the Army. Sailors go to sea
Four.... In the Navy I served in you had two choices. Learn to ''use the system'' or try to ''fight the system.'' I learned to ''use the system'' because ''fighting the system'' means you will lose because there is a ''right way'' a ''wrong way'' and ''The Navy way'' and you can guess which way they do things.
Five. The Navy is discipline, pure and simple. Go with the discipline and it aint so bad. Go against the discipline, you will lose every time because the Navy has been there since time started and you have been there less than a year.
Six.... My Navy was back from 58 till 62 and I am sure it has changed more than I can imagine but the premise is the same. Sailors go to sea. At sea there is no Taco Bell, McD's, or Pizza joints. There is the ocean and most sailors only see the top of that. Yes there is lonesomeness, stupid details, low pay, lots of nothing and no privacy but it is not ''just you'' ... everyone stands on the same deck and in general eats the same chow and more than once I wished I had never joined the Navy. This is true of all services. EVERYONE WANTS TO BE A CIVILIAN AGAIN. We were 25 years a civilian and 4 years a Sailor.... Do the math, what are we Use to being?
Seven.... I think a lot of the ''problems'' I read about in that link go back to the parents and the way kids are raised these days. Kids are ''pampered'' from day one until they ''join the service and become a number between two other numbers''... I know kids that had never ridden a school bus to school. Mommy took them to school. I know kids that have NEVER BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING IN THEIR LIFE. Parents provided it all with no recourse on their parts. Parents always preached to the kids that ''It is not your fault'' even when they catch them doing drugs and alcohol it was never ''their fault'', they blamed the system, society, their friends and the litany of excuses I have heard said because ''Junior'' is now on probation.
Eight. My Navy did not pamper anyone and YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF. In my Navy there was NO EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING. If you messed up, you stood on your own two feet and took the blame and suffered the punishment given you and, if you were smart, you tried not to make the same error again.
Nine. With respect to you and your son, I think the problem they find in the Navy can be seen every time they shave. The problem is looking at them from the mirror.. The problem is ''YOU''...
Ten..... No I was not a life long sailor. No I did not stay in the Navy. Yes I am glad I got out of the Navy because I became a successful business man and retired at age 55 and I will say this in defense of the Navy.
The Navy taught me how to be a MAN. How to stand on my own two feet and be responsible for ME, my errors and my successes. The Navy taught me not to ''whine'' about things I did not like and that I could not run to ''mommie'' if someone was mean to me. The Navy had a lot of responsibility in making me what I am today. In my 71 years I can not remember one person that got kicked out, or dropped out, or left the armed services under duress that ever amounted to much in later life. If you can not ''pass muster'' in the service, civilian life is a lot tougher and unless ''mommy and daddy'' can hand you a check every week, and make excuses for your failures, you aint gonna do so well out here either......

This is just my opinion, Yours may be different

God bless our service people of every stripe and color....

[sdennislee]

Originally Posted by Alan_Hepburn

My Navy son liked that list, and sent me this link: F_un T_ime N_avy - A place of FTN and other things Navy

I too checked out the link.

Must say as a 10 year Navy veteran I found the site and the rest of the sites linked there (other than the Battleship game, I won) to be insulting.

During my days lots of guys used the acronym FTN (Assume everyone can decipher).

I enjoyed and valued my time and experience in the Navy.

The piece of advice I tried to pass on to those in my charge was simple. Love it or hate it, your stuck for 4 years, make the best of it. Take advantage of all the schooling options they offer. If you had not joined the Navy, this 4 year period would likely be the time you established your civilian career path so don't waste these 4 years.

I left the Navy to pursue a civilian career in the same field as my Navy rating. Using the skills and discipline the Navy taught me (and sometimes forced me to learn), I became a successful businessman. Eventually I sold my company. Thought about retiring but have since decided I like what I do and stayed on after the acquisition.

I don't know if your son shares the views expressed by the website or not (perhaps he just traded you one internet site for another). If he does please encourage him to use the opportunities available to him to be successful. After all what better revenge could there be than to use that which you dislike to make you successful.

My Navy wasn't easy, but when you are in the military with the single purpose of defending our country, our way of life and our freedoms it's not going to be easy.

Along with the bad there is a lot of good, by the time I was 20 I had been around the world. I saw things most people only see in books. Met people of different cultures, learned more than I could have ever learned in school. The list goes on.

Remind him of this John F. Kennedy quote and how proud he should be:

"I can imagine no more rewarding a career. And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction: 'I served in the United States Navy.'"

[dagray]

You Navy guys are to serious. It is a joke where people laugh at themself and see the light side of the job they have to do.

USMC 1966 to 1970.