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Old 11-12-2012, 11:19 PM   #29
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Posts: 635

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big [moderator edit] who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a [moderator edit].

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Old 11-12-2012, 11:20 PM   #30
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 635
Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.........
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her
rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt
and I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs!

Splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

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Old 11-12-2012, 11:22 PM   #31
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Posts: 635
WOMEN: Two female friends are catching up:

- So, how was your evening last night?

- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful.

MEN: Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking".

- So, how was your evening last night?

- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fusebox, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful. Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these frigging candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.
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Old 11-12-2012, 11:24 PM   #32
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a set of scales.

And then the fight started.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive so I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?""
“Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
And the old favorite for men.
"Honey do these pants make my butt look big?"
"The pants don’t make your butt look big."

And then the fight started.
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Old 11-13-2012, 01:22 AM   #33
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Posts: 2,441
I am a happily married man, I know this because she said told me so.
Sometimes I'm soooo happy I can hardly stand it!
We have been happily married for 25 years,
best 7 years of my life!
American Tradition 42R-Cadillac SRX Blue Ox Koni 5050XL MCD Scangauge D Samsung rf197
Fulltime since 2012
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Old 11-21-2012, 05:14 PM   #34
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Location: Charlotte Harbor, FL
Posts: 1,792
And remember this what ever Fred Astaire did ........ Ginger Rogers did backwards............. and in heels !
Don and Nancy
[2014 40QBH Phaeton, 2015 Buick Enclave, 2yr old sisters Sara n Kaycee, Havanese, Two Segways
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Old 11-24-2012, 06:30 PM   #35
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Posts: 55
It does not matter what the question is, the answer is "Yes Dear".
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Old 11-26-2012, 12:28 AM   #36
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: B.C.
Posts: 3,079
My wife my not always be right, but she is never ever wrong!!!
Dennis & Marcie & Hook The Jack Russell, 2001 HR Imperial 38wds 350 Cummins, 07 Chevy Trailblazer/Blue Ox/Ready Brake, 04 Dodge 3500 Cummins,
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Old 11-30-2012, 03:50 PM   #37
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Posts: 1,172
When she says "Fine"........This is the word she uses to end an argument when she is right and when you need to shut up.

"Nothing".......is the calm before the storm. This means something is up and you need to be on your toes. Arguments that begin with NOTHING, usually end in FINE.

"Go Ahead".......This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it !

"That's Okay"........very dangerous. It means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when, you will pay for your mistake.
2003 Dolphin LX 6355 w/ W22 chassis; 8.1L gasser & Allison 1000
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Old 11-30-2012, 04:05 PM   #38
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Posts: 1,727
"Go Ahead".......This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it !

Now that reminds me of when my son in law asked my daughter if it would be ok for him to meet his friends at Hooters for lunch. She said "Go Ahead", no problem, and while you're there could you pick me up an application. Needless to say, he didn't go to lunch.

Joe & Angie
Shih Tzu's Cookie & Rocky
2001 Tradewinds 7390 2011 CRV EX-L Navi w/ RoadMaster FuseMaster
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