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Old 11-08-2011, 12:17 PM   #99
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After 50 if you get up in the morning with no aches, you died last night.
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Old 11-08-2011, 01:35 PM   #100
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After 35..
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Old 11-08-2011, 06:23 PM   #101
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The warranty on my body expired when I turned 40.
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Old 11-08-2011, 06:29 PM   #102
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To whom did he tell you that?
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Old 11-16-2011, 07:38 AM   #103
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As an RVer was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his DW's voice urgently warning him,
"Jim, I just heard on the news that there's a Vehicle going the wrong way on 280! Please be careful!!!"

Jim replied, "It's not just one vehicle...
It's hundreds of them!"
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:00 PM   #104
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My DW's cooking is so bad, all the flies at the CG got together and patched up the screen door.
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Old 11-17-2011, 10:31 PM   #105
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A sign seen at a local dry cleaner: "Come on in and drop your pants."
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Old 11-17-2011, 10:57 PM   #106
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ramblin View Post
My DW's cooking is so bad, all the flies at the CG got together and patched up the screen door.



I tell the truth except when I lie
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Old 11-20-2011, 11:17 AM   #107
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A jumper cable goes into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "you can stay, but don't be starting anything.
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Old 11-20-2011, 11:44 AM   #108
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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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Old 11-20-2011, 07:14 PM   #109
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Speak for yourself...
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Old 11-21-2011, 02:06 PM   #110
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"Hello, 9-1-1? I was out huntin' with cousin Dub and he just keeled over Dead! Whazzat? Well, I dunno if'n he's dead or not. Yeah, I'll make sure..."
*click* BOOM!
"Ok, I made sure. Now what?"
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Old 11-21-2011, 03:06 PM   #111
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The 7th Sense

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa."

The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died.

My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
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Old 11-21-2011, 03:21 PM   #112
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A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pick-up on I-77. He says to the driver "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?'
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