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Old 12-28-2010, 02:23 PM   #1
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Thanks...

For the memories - and Happy New Year!

- - - - - -

As we near the end of the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I canít use the remote in a hotel room because I donít know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I canít sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking oneís nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I canít touch any womanís purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I canít have a drink in a bar because Iíll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I canít eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I canít use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesnít crawl in my back seat when Iím filling up.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ĎUnder Godí on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I canít boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.



I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I canít use anyoneís toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I canít ever pick up a .25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I canít do any gardening because Iím afraid Iíll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you donít send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighborís ex-mother-in-lawís second husbandís cousinís best friendís beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Donít bother taking it off now, itís too late. ( Love this one Ė it got me!)

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
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Old 12-28-2010, 03:02 PM   #2
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Thanks for the laughs. Ain't it the truth though?

Happy New Year

Rick
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Old 12-28-2010, 03:04 PM   #3
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I didn't know about the cling wrap. Now I'm worried
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Old 12-28-2010, 03:12 PM   #4
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Regarding the toothbrush, I never leave it in my hotel room either after I learned what brush they use to clean the toilet.
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Old 12-28-2010, 03:24 PM   #5
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As long as you understand that all these things are true you will be reasonably safe.
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:25 PM   #6
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I didn't think anyone actually reads email that begins FWD. Man, you gotta get out of the house more. Ever try winter camping? That might keep you busy. I do applaud your writing abilities and story line process!
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Old 12-30-2010, 08:53 AM   #7
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Gary K7GLD:

Yeah, and they say the pioneers in covered wagons had it rough !!
Compared to the hazards we face today, they had a cake walk !!

Steve
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Old 12-30-2010, 05:15 PM   #8
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And thank you 60 minutes. I now take my own glass ware, silverware and coffee cup with me on trips because of your program informing the masses how the room service cleans up.

I don't eat hamburgers from fast food places since you broadcast what they do behind the scenes.

And heaven forbid that I touche the hand rails on an escalator since your broadcast of booger wiping when others were ride it.

And thanks for the elevator tip of not touching the buttons. I now use my shirt tail, but then I have to wash it right away.

Thanks Gary - I needed that.
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Old 12-30-2010, 08:35 PM   #9
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Too funny & all too true. Thanks for the laugh.

Lori-
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