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Old 12-16-2012, 05:54 PM   #1
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That's How The Fight Started....

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________
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Old 12-16-2012, 05:57 PM   #2
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ROLFLMAO

The top one sounds about right.
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Old 12-16-2012, 06:10 PM   #3
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Old 12-16-2012, 06:12 PM   #4
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good ones
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Old 12-16-2012, 06:20 PM   #5
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Hey Les. All that happened this morning is forgiven.

Cliff
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Old 12-16-2012, 06:48 PM   #6
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Don't know if it was the jokes or the wine but something made me laugh till my ribs hurt. Funny tho the wife wasn't impressed.
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Old 12-16-2012, 06:52 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rsha View Post
Don't know if it was the jokes or the wine but something made me laugh till my ribs hurt. Funny tho the wife wasn't impressed.
More for the guys or women with a sense of humor.
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Old 12-16-2012, 06:56 PM   #8
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Old 12-16-2012, 07:22 PM   #9
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Thank you! I really needed that laugh! Excellent!
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Old 12-16-2012, 07:43 PM   #10
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Quote:
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More for the guys or women with a sense of humor.
I won't let my DW read things like that in the freak occurrence her sense of humor is not fully functional for the day. Better safe than sleeping with both eyes open. She is petite, but also a redhead and knows where I sleep.
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Old 12-16-2012, 08:31 PM   #11
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Ha Ha good ones! Your wife must have a great sense of humor. If she don't then run!
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Old 12-16-2012, 08:36 PM   #12
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My mother in law actually sent me the original! My wife laughed as she read it first.

Ya, she does have a good sense of humor. She married me!
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Old 12-16-2012, 08:36 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cnkinthebus View Post
I won't let my DW read things like that in the freak occurrence her sense of humor is not fully functional for the day. Better safe than sleeping with both eyes open. She is petite, but also a redhead and knows where I sleep.
That reminds of a friend who has a license plate frame that says, "I'm a redhead. Don't make me use it."
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Old 12-16-2012, 08:46 PM   #14
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I was reading these and laughing so hard I almost feel out my chair.

My wife came in ad asked what I was laughing at and I could only point to the screen.

She started reading these and well.....


that's how the fight started.
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