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Old 08-21-2012, 11:51 AM   #1
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What to do

To my email list.

This includes another reason to avoid colas and to hide my toothbrush in a cabinet. Who knew???

  • As we progress in the second half of 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails. Over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
  • I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, Nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
  • I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
  • I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
  • Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
  • I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
  • I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
  • ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
  • I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
  • I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
  • I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
  • Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
  • Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola becauseit can remove toilet stains.
  • I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
  • I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causesseven different types of cancer.
  • And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of waterin the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
  • I no longer go to the movie theater because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
  • I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..
  • And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
  • Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because abig black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
  • And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in a parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
  • I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
The next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
On your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon, and the
Fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
To grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
Actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
Ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
Beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
Has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
Read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…
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Old 08-21-2012, 12:02 PM   #2
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OMG...I read this too DW and we just about pee'd our pants....thats the funniest thing I've read in a month....thx
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Old 08-21-2012, 12:13 PM   #3
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Wayne, we seem to be getting all the same e mails; do I know you outside the forums ????
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Old 08-21-2012, 02:50 PM   #4
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But Wayne... your toothbrush is more likely to get caughed on in the livingroom and run over by peeing mice....or was that coachroaches....
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Old 08-21-2012, 03:21 PM   #5
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DAMN...caught me reading this with mouse in hand! Is this monitor a 2 way mirror...what else do you see that I do?
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Old 08-21-2012, 03:29 PM   #6
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Hysterical but true (as I type with gloves on to prevent whatever is lurking on these keys). By the way I just sent $5000 to Ecuador to get my five year old grand daughter out of jail. I'm glad she called me and not her mother!
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:10 AM   #7
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Ok, where have I read this before? Oh yeah, right here on the forum!
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:41 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fred1609 View Post
OMG...I read this too DW and we just about pee'd our pants....thats the funniest thing I've read in a month....thx
Or: I was laughing so hard the tears ran down my legs!
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Old 08-22-2012, 03:53 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fred1609 View Post
OMG...I read this too DW and we just about pee'd our pants....thats the funniest thing I've read in a month....thx
yes, sir that was one for the books. Havent heard that one before .
keeps ya wondering whats gonna be said at the next line each time.
Good One ----------------------
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Old 08-22-2012, 04:35 PM   #10
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I moved my tooth brush to the living room too. My GF found it and brushed the dogs teeth with it.



A week ago!


:-(
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Old 08-22-2012, 04:56 PM   #11
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I am double in trouble then.
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Old 09-11-2012, 03:37 PM   #12
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OK now for a true story:
Bought gas at the flying J last month; a gal was filling her car with gas, before she removed the hose from the pump, she wiped the nozel with a cloth, wrapped the nozel with a paper towel, took another paper towel to remove her gas tank lid and another towel to remove the cap. after gassing up she wiped the handle of her car door with a cloth before she got in.
Never saw anything like this in my life.
Do they call these people germoholics?
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Old 09-11-2012, 03:54 PM   #13
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I think the term is Germaphobes...
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Old 09-11-2012, 07:39 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skip426 View Post
Wayne, we seem to be getting all the same e mails; do I know you outside the forums ????
I'll never tell!
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