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Old 12-11-2012, 01:14 PM   #1
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Won't shop at Food Lion Anymore...

Yesterday I was at my local Food Lion grocery store buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had...an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't have, because I ended up in the hospital last time I did that, but I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Now Food Lion won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
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Old 12-12-2012, 10:56 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by johnmbeard View Post
Yesterday I was at my local Food Lion grocery store buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had...an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't have, because I ended up in the hospital last time I did that, but I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Now Food Lion won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Even this 30th rerun is funny.
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Old 12-12-2012, 11:03 AM   #3
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I quit shopping there (when I lived in Virginia) after the store 'detective' called the police because I had put a bottle of Tylenol in my pocket so I could grab 2 cases of beer.. I didnt even make it to the checkout before he grabbed me and the police showed up. Police said I had to make it out the door before being considered a thief, and the judge agreed after I sued...
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Old 12-12-2012, 10:01 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Midniteoyl View Post
I quit shopping there (when I lived in Virginia) after the store 'detective' called the police because I had put a bottle of Tylenol in my pocket so I could grab 2 cases of beer.. I didnt even make it to the checkout before he grabbed me and the police showed up. Police said I had to make it out the door before being considered a thief, and the judge agreed after I sued...
Why doesn't the good stuff ever happen to me?

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Old 12-13-2012, 08:51 AM   #5
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That's too funny. Sort of like my friend who cut loose a really long fart in the grocery store checkout line. He announces out loud, "Holy smokes lady" while looking at the person next to him. Then he just walks out leaving his wife to deal with the rest of the people in line.
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Old 12-13-2012, 09:20 AM   #6
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Years ago when our children were young, we got into the "we love corned beef sandwich's" kick. Our grocery store had corned beef briskets on sale. My wife went into the store and bought one, while I stayed in the car. She came back with the brisket and said; you will not believe what happened to me. There was a fat woman behind me in line and she let a big silent one and stared at me like I had done it. We left the store and went about a mile and my wife looked at me and said,I can't believe you did that. Then I smelled the worst smell in the world. It's not me I said. She grabbed the brisket and said This thing is what is stinking. We took it back to the store and the meat manager said it was sour. Of course they gave us another one. I have never smelled anything that smelled as much like a f--t as that thing did.
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