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Old 02-05-2023, 07:55 PM   #1
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Random thoughts and some humor

I see that I've been posting in the wrong thread so I'll start here instead.

Law and disorder

Eyerman's 1st law:
The last accessible nut or bolt will always be stripped or frozen.

Eyerman's 2nd law:
Any tool, once laid down, will never be found again.
( like that 10mm wrench I'm still missing)

Eyerman's 3rd law:
the more unlikely a substitute part appears to be, the more likely it will fit. The reverse is also true, the part that is obviously identical will not fit or perform correctly.

Chilton's Auto Repair law:
Assembly is never the reverse of disassembly.

Louie's law:
Giving a nut one last turn to ensure tightness will always snap it off,
however, failure to do so will cause it to loosen and fall off.

Marshall's first law:
A given job will always require one more hand than is available in the shop or home, unless many extra people have been called in to help in advance. Then the job can be done single handedly.
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Old 02-06-2023, 06:59 AM   #2
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Old 02-06-2023, 11:00 AM   #3
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Gooduns!
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Old 02-06-2023, 12:10 PM   #4
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Trouble remembering names?

There once was a preacher whose congregation was so large the he had trouble remembering names and faces of everyone in it. One fine Sunday after the end of service, he was greeting various members of his congregation as they left the church.
A woman came up to him and said, "Good morning, Reverend, surely you remember me!"
Well, he didn't at first, but made a valiant effort " Why, you look like Helen Brown."
The woman looked somewhat offended as she said, " Well, you don't look so good in Black yourself!"
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Old 02-07-2023, 03:07 PM   #5
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A man is having problems so he stops by to see the Doctor, When he asks for an appointment, the receptionist says "You're in luck! There was just a cancellation and you could go right in, if you like" The man thanks the woman and goes in to the exam room.
Doc says " What's seems to the the problem?"
Man says "It's a little hard to explain so it's better if I just show you. I know this sounds odd, but put your ear on my thigh, about 4"inches up from my knee"
Doc says " This is a little odd but, ok"
The doc puts his ear on the thigh and hears a tiny voice " Help me, Can you give me $20? I just need $20!"
The Doc bolts up and says " That's odd, I've never heard of anything like this!"
The man says " Doc, put your ear on my Knee cap"
The doc puts his ear on the mans knee and hears a tiny voice " Help me! I just need $10 dollars, that's all just $10"
The Doc sits up and before he can say anything, the man says " I know Doc it's weird, but put your ear on my ankle"
The man props up his leg and the doc puts his ear on the man's ankle.
He hears a very tiny voice " Help please, I just need a dollar, just 1 dollar"
The doc goes to his desk without saying a word and begins to search for symptoms such as these.
He can't find anything in his files or searching the internet. He calls a colleague but nowhere can he find information about this ailment.
He returns to the man and tells him
"I can't find anything about this, but one thing I'm sure of is that your leg is broke in 3 places.."



Don't shoot the messenger, I just type these...
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Old 02-07-2023, 04:48 PM   #6
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OK, now help me get this hook out of my mouth.
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Old 02-08-2023, 11:02 PM   #7
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Talking horse?

A man is driving along a country road and his car breaks down.
He gets out, opens the hood and looks in confusion at the engine.

About this time, a horse wanders up to a nearby fence, leans over and peaks under the hood. The horse looks up at the man and says
"it's the carburetor"

The man does a quick double-take and reply's
" What did you say??"

"I said it's your carburetor"
So the man turns an runs away in the direction of a nearby farm house.
Soon he see's a farmer and flags him down.

"My Car broke down back there and when I opened the hood, this horse comes over and starts talking to me!"

"What's he say?" the farmer replies calmly.

"He said it was my carburetor!" the man says incredulously.

So the farmer says " Don't pay any attention to him, he doesn't know anything about carburetors.'
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Old 02-08-2023, 11:14 PM   #8
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which corner??

A man who was really drunk, called his wife for a ride home from the bar.

Wife: "Where are you??"
The man steps out the door of the bar and looks at the corner closest to the bar. As he continues down the street to the corner, he tells her,
" I'm at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK"
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Old 02-09-2023, 09:00 AM   #9
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For the DW in your life

Five tips for a Woman ( your Darling Wife)

1. It is important that a man helps around the house

2. It is important that a man has a job and can support you.

3. It is important that a man knows how to make you laugh.

4. It is important that a man can can be counted on and doesn't lie to you.

5. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

6. It is important that these five men don't know each other.
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Old 02-10-2023, 01:11 PM   #10
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you can't say these anymore

Auto mechanics are finding it hard to discuss issues with their customers these days, there are a lot of terms that cannot be said when describing what's wrong.

( If you're easily offended, don't read any further)

You can't say these to your customer, particularly Gen Y and Z:
female connector
Male connector
butt splice
circlip
dikes
nipple
Forman
hose
stud
nuts
jugs
shaft
Jack
Chuck
rear end
undercarriage
skirt
From now on Tranny Fluid will be Gender Neutral shifting juice
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Old 02-11-2023, 11:41 AM   #11
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Random thoughts for Feb 11th

Did you ever consider that cheese is just a loaf of milk?

Surveys say that most people carry their phones in their pockets,
so if the government is listening in, they hear a lot of farts.

Coffee sounds delicious, but hot ground bean juice does not.

Greek sculptures look so life like, what if they are just Medusa's victims?

It's called Almond milk, because nobody likes to hear Almond nut juice.

Today is the tomorrow, I worried about yesterday.
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Old 02-14-2023, 08:33 AM   #12
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odd definitions

  • traffic light - apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches
  • television - movies where people don't step on you feet (as often)
  • movies - television where people don't interrupt with unexpected visits
  • Divorce - post-graduate in the School of Love
  • Bachelor of Science - One who has mastered the science of remaining single.
  • Pioneer - early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
  • Man - remarkable animal who's head swells when you pat his back.
  • Woman - creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because she does.
  • People - some make things happen, some watch things happen and the majority has no idea what's happened.
  • Love - unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes.
  • swimming pool - a mob of people with water around it.
  • self control - the ability to eat one peanut (or chocolate covered pretzel)
  • Salesman - man with the ability to convince his wife, she would look fat in a mink coat.
  • Cannibal - person who likes to see another person stewed.
  • Foreign Film - any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.
  • Optimist - a girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
  • Pessimist - man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope
  • Epitaph - a postponed compliment
  • Magazine - bunch of printed pages that tells you what's coming in the next issue.
  • Miracle - something that never happens in our generation.
  • Egocentric - a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

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Old 02-15-2023, 01:31 PM   #13
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more laws and disorder

Additions to the list of laws we know to be true:

Liquid Law: There will always be more fluid to drain from a vehicle than there is a container to hold it.

Junkyard Law: Parts that are clean and obviously quite new from a junked car, will be defective. The dirtier and greasier the part is, the more likely it will work, unless you clean it.

Law of Permanent Attachment: In any repair, the key nut or bolt will either be of a size that you do not have a wrench for, or in a location that no available tool can reach.

Quick repair law: If a job has to get done quickly and the wrong materials are used, the fit will be perfect.

Correct Repair law: The more authentic and expensive the materials are, no matter how careful the job is done, the fit will be poor.

Vanishing Bolt Law: When removing an irreplaceable bolt, if it is dropped on a spotlessly clean garage floor, it will be heard to hit the floor and then vanish forever from the face of the earth.

Miller's Mechanics Maxim: Never let a machine or tool know that you are in a hurry. ( Similar law applies to using your computer!)
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Old 02-16-2023, 10:22 AM   #14
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easy ways to say no

From a list I've been collecting....

First, start with "I'd love to but...."
  1. I have to floss my cat.
  2. I'm changing what I identify with this afternoon, but can't decide on what.
  3. The President might drop by this afternoon.
  4. The man on the television told me to "stay tuned".
  5. Today is my karma transplant.
  6. It's my parakeets bowling night.
  7. I'm building a pig from a kit.
  8. Tonight is my aerobic screaming class.
  9. I have to check the freshness dates on all my dairy products.
  10. my subconscious says no.
  11. Randomhouse is drawing today, and I might be a winner!
  12. I'm observing National Apathy Week.
  13. My house has Aunts and I'm try to get rid of them.
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