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Old 01-07-2017, 06:05 AM   #1
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Shop Tools and the "Real" reason they were made

SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short...

BELT SANDER :

An electric sanding tool commonly used to covert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs....

WIRE WHEEL :

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, '[ moderator edit ] . Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back....

DRILL PRESS :

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it....

CHANNEL LOCKS :

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters....

HACKSAW :

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes....

VISE-GRIPS :

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand....

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :

Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race....

TABLE SAW :

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper....

BAND SAW :

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations....

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect....

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads....

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms....

PRY BAR :

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part....

PVC PIPE CUTTER :

A tool used to make plastic pipe too short....

HAMMER :

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal....

UTILITY KNIFE :

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage....

SON OF A BITCH TOOL :

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need....
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Old 01-07-2017, 06:15 AM   #2
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Thank you. not only is that list all too true. But I like to start the day with a good laugh and this one had me setting my coffee cup down least I spill it.
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Old 01-07-2017, 06:29 AM   #3
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Amazingly, I have all of those tools, especially the last one.
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Old 01-07-2017, 06:38 AM   #4
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Oh man, this is a good one!
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Old 01-07-2017, 07:00 AM   #5
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Thank You for the laugh. I haven't laughed that hard in a while, because it has all happened to me at one time or another. I even had the DW laughing so hard she was crying.


Thanks again.
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Old 01-07-2017, 07:11 AM   #6
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Great laugh of the day for me so thanks!


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Old 01-07-2017, 07:47 PM   #7
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...so true, it hurts...literally. :0)
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Old 01-07-2017, 07:52 PM   #8
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got all of those
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Old 01-07-2017, 07:56 PM   #9
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I got them all but any one of them can qualify as the last one, at least in my shop they do.
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Old 01-07-2017, 08:10 PM   #10
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Thank you very much for the laughs. You had me wiping my eyes more than once. I can relate to every one of those. Years ago I had a corded drill that had a cord that plugged into the bottom of the handle with a retaining ring you turned to keep it from coming out. Of course the retaining ring got to where it wouldn't hold so it turned into that tool that was at the end of your list. Broke the handle clear off the drill on impact. That incident came back to mind instantly while reading your post. Again, thank you for the many laughs.

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Old 01-07-2017, 09:13 PM   #11
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Just because I'm out in the garage swearing doesn't mean I'm not having a good time.

Keep in mind....."Pound to fit, paint to match."
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Old 01-07-2017, 09:38 PM   #12
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So you're telling me I've been using my tools wrong all these years?
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Old 01-07-2017, 09:46 PM   #13
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As much of your list I can - unfortunately - personally relate to, I think I like this one the best "SON OF A BITCH TOOL :

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need...." And then can't find the damn thing!!!!
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Old 01-07-2017, 09:55 PM   #14
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Sadly, I only have 1 tool -- the last one, but I have it in every color, shape and size ever made. I keep buying more hoping one will work as advertised. Is that the true definition of insanity?
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