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01-07-2017, 06:05 AM
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#1
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Pensacola, FL
Posts: 121
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Shop Tools and the "Real" reason they were made
SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short...
BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to covert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs....
WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, '[ moderator edit ] . Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back....
DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it....
CHANNEL LOCKS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters....
HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes....
VISE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand....
OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race....
TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper....
BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations....
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect....
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads....
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms....
PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part....
PVC PIPE CUTTER :
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short....
HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal....
UTILITY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage....
SON OF A BITCH TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need....
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01-07-2017, 06:15 AM
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#2
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Senior Member
Damon Owners Club Workhorse Chassis Owner
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 24,024
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Thank you. not only is that list all too true. But I like to start the day with a good laugh and this one had me setting my coffee cup down least I spill it.
__________________
Home is where I park it!
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01-07-2017, 06:29 AM
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#3
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Senior Member
Tiffin Owners Club
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Western NC
Posts: 590
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Amazingly, I have all of those tools, especially the last one.
__________________
Seeing this country from ground level.
2016 Allegro Bus 40AP
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01-07-2017, 06:38 AM
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#4
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Senior Member
Fleetwood Owners Club Freightliner Owners Club
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,579
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Oh man, this is a good one!
__________________
2013 Fleetwood Discovery 40G, Cummins ISL,Freightliner Chassis, Allison 3000.
2017 Ford F150 Lariat toad w/
Blue Ox Aventa tow bar and M&G Braking System
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01-07-2017, 07:00 AM
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#5
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 243
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Thank You for the laugh. I haven't laughed that hard in a while, because it has all happened to me at one time or another. I even had the DW laughing so hard she was crying.
Thanks again.
__________________
Dave & Brenda
2007 Chevy 2500 Duramax
2012 Sabre 31 RETS 5'er
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01-07-2017, 07:11 AM
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#6
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Senior Member
Tiffin Owners Club Winnebago Owners Club RV Trip Wizard
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Yuma, AZ
Posts: 108
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Great laugh of the day for me so thanks!
ClayTone
Sent from my iPhone using iRV2 - RV Forum
__________________
Clay & Marcy
2004 Winnebago Adv. G35U, 1995 Tracker Toad, RVI3, eeZRV, Garmin RV 770 LMT-S, Viair
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01-07-2017, 07:47 PM
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#7
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Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,755
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...so true, it hurts...literally. :0)
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01-07-2017, 07:52 PM
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#8
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Senior Member
Ford Super Duty Owner
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: costa rica / river ranch fl.
Posts: 977
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got all of those
__________________
99 coachman catalina mbs-334
5.9 275hp dp
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01-07-2017, 07:56 PM
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#9
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Graceville, Fl
Posts: 351
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I got them all but any one of them can qualify as the last one, at least in my shop they do.
__________________
Every Meal is a Picnic and every Day a Holiday
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01-07-2017, 08:10 PM
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#10
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Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 410
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Thank you very much for the laughs. You had me wiping my eyes more than once. I can relate to every one of those. Years ago I had a corded drill that had a cord that plugged into the bottom of the handle with a retaining ring you turned to keep it from coming out. Of course the retaining ring got to where it wouldn't hold so it turned into that tool that was at the end of your list. Broke the handle clear off the drill on impact. That incident came back to mind instantly while reading your post. Again, thank you for the many laughs.
Dave
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01-07-2017, 09:13 PM
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#11
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Senior Member
Monaco Owners Club Workhorse Chassis Owner
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Clovis, CA, USA
Posts: 13,090
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Just because I'm out in the garage swearing doesn't mean I'm not having a good time.
Keep in mind....."Pound to fit, paint to match."
__________________
2004 Monaco La Palma 36DBD, W22, 8.1, 7.1 MPG
2000 LEXUS RX300 FWD 22MPG 4020 LBS
Criticism is easier than Craftsmanship
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01-07-2017, 09:38 PM
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#12
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Community Moderator
Newmar Owners Club
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Point Pleasant Beach, NJ
Posts: 31,248
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So you're telling me I've been using my tools wrong all these years?
__________________
Tony & Ruth........... FMCA#F416727
2016 London Aire 4519, Freightliner chassis, Cummins ISX, 2018 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited, Blue Ox Avail with AF1. TST 507 TPMS
No amount of money can buy you an extra second of time.
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01-07-2017, 09:46 PM
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#13
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Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,550
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As much of your list I can - unfortunately - personally relate to, I think I like this one the best "SON OF A BITCH TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need...." And then can't find the damn thing!!!!
__________________
2006 Monaco Signature 45' Commander IV ISX 600 & 12.5 KW Genset
2013 Avalanche toad
And a rather large and very hairy Bear for a traveling companion
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01-07-2017, 09:55 PM
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#14
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Senior Member
Solo Rvers Club iRV2 No Limits Club
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Yuma County, AZ
Posts: 10,868
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Sadly, I only have 1 tool -- the last one, but I have it in every color, shape and size ever made. I keep buying more hoping one will work as advertised. Is that the true definition of insanity?
__________________
Barb (RVM18) with Morkies Lily & Bebe RIP Sena FMCA#F466348
"Homer" ‘11 Shasta Cynara, pulling "Ranger" '97 Ford Ranger toad
The Journey is Our Destination. Full-timer May 2011 - July 2021
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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