Are You A Thread Killer

[TexasJeff]

I asked my wife to embrace all her flaws. She said OK, and then hugged me.

[Gordon Dewald]

Originally Posted by Country Road

Not these days. Haven’t you heard about the guy who married himself?

Everything was fine until the wedding. And then the fight started!

[allenb12]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

[Parafango]

This is some help if you call the right number:


Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline
Our menu has changes so please listen to the following and make your selection.

If you are obsessive compulsive
please press 1 repeatedly

If you are co-dependent
ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities
press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid
We know who you are and what you want
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional
Press 7 and we will have you transferred to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic
Listen Carefully and a little voice in your head and
it will tell you which button to press.

If you are depressive
It doesn't matter which button you press
no one will answer you.

If you are dyslexic
press 69696969

If you have a nervous disorder,
fidget with the hash key until you hear the beep

after the beep
please pause and wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss
please try your call again later.

If you have low self esteem
hang up, our operators are too busy to
talk with you.

If you want to hear this menu again
hang up and call back.

[TexasJeff]

I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body?
She said it's my sense of humor.

[allenb12]

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

[TexasJeff]

Truism: your wife won’t start an argument with you... if you’re cleaning.

[allenb12]

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

[Rhody_Chris]

Originally Posted by TexasJeff

Truism: your wife won’t start an argument with you... if you’re cleaning.

Unless she is insisting you are doing it all wrong.

[TexasJeff]

Ever notice that marriage is basically peeing with the door open and not caring?

[Parafango]

sex in marriage is like oxygen,
it's not important to you until you don't have any.

[allenb12]

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?"

[Rexlion]

Originally Posted by allenb12

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Apparently you haven't seen them wearing a g-string bikini and walking away.

[Parafango]

A friend told me this..

In the privacy of your own home, search for "C String"

I'm not sure how this suit stays on if the person is moving at all.
Probably not PG rated.
Crazy friend....