On long trips how do you cope with seperation from family?

[MonacoMama]

May I suggest having a laptop with a webcam hooked up? Also make sure you get them a webcam to hook up to their computer. You can then set up a weekly time where all the grandkids are there and you can actually talk to them while looking at them. It may help the feeling of "missing them" if you can see them in real time.

Good Luck -

[MonacoMama]

Also - If you won't be home for their birthday, you can send their present to them and make sure they open it while you are on the webcam with them.

[camposborne]

i just saw this, and although i'm still a 'young' mother with a teen son, your posts made me tear up.

my dad had the philosophy that when we were 18, we were out the door. and literally, the night before i turned 18, i moved out (middle of my senior year in high school). (my mom had passed already, so there was no one to keep me at home, but that's a story for another day.)

at any rate, i have raised my son totally differently than that. i don't get to see my family because i live 400 miles from them, so we've always told him he's staying with us until he's out of graduate school. i felt kind of funny about that, especially since he's a boy and they tend to move on very easily, but i have since met up with several parents here who have taught their children in the same manner. several people i work with even have their daughters and sons working here at the same company, even while they live at home.

i know i'm going to be the same as those of you who are very attached to your children and grandchildren and will not want to leave them when the time comes. my husband says i'll get over it, but if my son is 14 and i feel this way, i can't imagine it's going to go away as the time draws nearer.

my thoughts are with all of you who are away from families and missing loved ones. i'll keep you in my prayers and hope you get home to the little ones soon!

[Ray,IN]

I feel the same as Floridaann and Lorna. We have 5 children and 14 grandchildren. We hope we raised our children to be self-supportive, independent, and to have/use reasonable common sense. We are traveling for months at a time, since full-timing doesn't fit our lives. I feel it's selfish for me to think our children and their familes require our presence. Phone calls and 3-4 visits yearly suit everyone. It's our retirement that we worked so hard to earn. If we don't enjoy it while we are in good health the health care industry will get it anyway.

[camposborne]

apparently, this discussion is touching very close to home for me, so this post is only to get some of you to think about the consequences of your actions.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">I feel it's selfish for me to think our children and their familes require our presence </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Ray, have you thought maybe it's selfish to NOT be in their lives?

There suddenly seems to be a common theme in this country with the baby-boomers (my father is one of them...so are my in-laws who are 15+ years old then my change-of-life husband). In this house, we call it the 'hands-off' mentality. It's the folks in the 50-68 age range who are practicing self-fulfillment above all else. And the hands-off mentality comes in when something can intrude on their lives, like older children or grandchildren, and the baby-boomer turns away and doesn't step in to help.

Let me give you an example.

I'm 34. I was basically raised by my grandparents because my baby-boomer dad didn't have time for his kids. not because he was working so hard, but because he was out persuing his own interests. camping, motorcycling, boating, traveling, spending time with friends. to this day, he only calls when he needs something, and he sees his only grandchild when we come to town. his money, his time, and his efforts go elsewhere. (sounds familiar to those of you who purposely seperate yourself from your children, doesn't it?)

so good thing we had my grandparents, who were raised with the mentality that you don't desert your family for selfish needs. and guess what? my grandmother, the same one that raised us, that never turned us away or made us live independently, now has alzheimers and my sisters and i have selflessly given up our 'professional' lives to keep her at our homes and well-taken care of. she never left us alone, and not one of us will leave her alone. e-v-e-r.

so what am i getting at? well, just this. to anyone who thinks your kids don't need you, don't be surprised if those of you who feel that way are the same ones who sit in lonely nursing homes for the remainder of your years...after all, it's all about independence, right?

[Lorna]

Hello folks, I'm one of the girls that my mother, Lorna, keeps talking about. She gave me permission to borrow her login so that I may answer this post.


Wow, Camposbourn, it sounds like you are in dire need of closure. Full-timers and Part-timers alike are not deserting their family. Think of it as an extended vacation. To be honest, it's no different then the kids moving away. It's natural, and it's to be expected. Do you think I would want my parents to stay in my hometown, doing the same thing day in and day out, with no adventure?? My mother would go crazy first, and Dad just might go missing. I want both my parents to live full, exciting lives, with or without me -- a postcard or two along the way is nice. I've got a scrapbook.

So, you're complaining about these very nice people leaving their adult children to pursue a life of interest wanders and adventure, tales to tell their [children, grand-children, ect.] and what-not because your father basically ignored you and you grew up with your grandmother instead? And you want your son to stay with you until he's out of grad-school? Does he have a job? Pay rent, pay for his own car, gas, insurance? It seems to be that you're making sure he leads a sheltered life.

You and your husband should go on one of these little jaunts before you make up your mind and call everyone selfish. Two weeks sounds like it should do the trick. If not, make it a month. That should give you enough flavour to get a taste of freedom.

My parents did a fine job raising my sister and I. We're well adjusted (weird, but adjusted) and we're capable of living our lives without needing someone to "keep an eye" on us. Can you say the same thing?

-Anna
(The one in New Mexico)

[camposborne]

Anna:

Let me ask you this:

Where were your grandparents when you grew up? Did they move away? Or head out in a Winnebago and stay gone months at a time?

How about your parents' grandparents? Were they around when your parents were growing up?

Do you deny that 'teaching independence' by staying away months at a time is the same as carefully-hidden selfishness on the part of parents who forget they have a duty still?

Are you ok with your children NOT being a daily part of your parents' lives? Or vice-versa?

Now just to clear this up, I'm not talking grandparents taking a month or two and going cross-country. I'm speaking to those of you who plan on being gone all the time, those who move away from your kids, or those that full-time and only see your offspring and their offspring a couple weeks a year.

I'm going to say something that is shocking to most of you - hold your seat, Anna.

I LIKE my son as a person. My husband LIKES our son as a person. He's in honors classes, earning college credits at 14 already. He's mastered every job in the house, domestic and maintenance, so that he can eventually run his own. He even knows a significant portion of remodeling procedures. He's well-taught in financial matters, keeping his own cell phone bill, checkbook and credit card in line. He's also the pied piper of the cats and dogs, taking care of each one through the day when my husband and I work. And on top of it - he's a pleasure to be around. His teachers speak highly, he's in De Molay, works with charities, and even spends 40 hours a month in marching band activities, with his eye on Drum Major.

So why would I, or my husband, or my family, want to go through life WITHOUT him present and accounted for?

My grandparents spent every day working together in their business, that my mother worked at and half owned. We were raised in their business. Now, my husband and I work for the same company, driving 70 miles a day with each other and we see each other all day. We don't travel overnight without each other, and we have only spent 3 nights apart in all the years we've been married so I could sit beside my grandmother in the hospital. It's no different for my son. We want him to be just as close to us as we all were.

Like I tell the young, unmarried ones here - it's called 'interdependence'.

Definition: Interdependence is a dynamic of being mutually responsible to and sharing a common set of principles with others. This concept differs distinctly from "dependence" in that an interdependent relationship implies that all participants are emotionally, economically, and/or morally "independent." Some people advocate freedom or independence as a sort of ultimate good; others do the same with devotion to one's family, community, or society. Interdependence recognizes the truth in each position and weaves them together.

For you trekkies, an explanation you'll relate to: "Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

So, as you can see Anna, it's not about "closure"�. It's about taking a village to raise a child, and about those that love their jobs raising children and grandchildren, and those that run from them.

The original question was how to deal with the months a part – she was not questioning being lesser of a person for loving her family so much...the world needs more people like Dianne. Period.

[Lorna]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by camposborne:
Anna:

Let me ask you this: </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
I'll answer part of these for Anna then I will e-mail her to read and reply
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Where were your grandparents when you grew up? Did they move away? Or head out in a Winnebago and stay gone months at a time? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
Anna's grandparents (my Mom & Dad) are close to my kids. I was my Dad's favourite and it transferred to my kids (He died a few years ago). I also had the Twins in our family (every generation on my Mom's side, Hit-n-Miss on my Dad's). We moved to SC when the girls were in Kindergarten and I drove them up to NC about once a month so they could spend the weekend with my parents (up on Fri and then I drove up again on Sunday to get them). BTW, my mom always thought she could raise our kids better than we could... resulted in alot of stress. David's parents divorced when he was a teen. His father is a moronic jacka$$ who has no time for any of his 6 kids (5 from his first family and David has a half brother). David's Mom wasn't vey active in the girls lives (and didn't seem to want to... her loss)

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">How about your parents' grandparents? Were they around when your parents were growing up? </div></BLOCKQUOTE> David moved to FL when he was a teen so didn't see much of his grandparents after that. But when he lived in MI, they lived in a small town (pop. 501) so he could walk to his grandparent house.

My Mom's father was 1 year younger than her grandmother (it was his second family) and her Mom took off when she was 9, leaving her to take care of an elderly father with a bad heart and help raise her younger sister and brother. My mother resented her mother for most of her life... right up until she died of cancer, in our house. My grandmother never cared much about my sister and I since she transferred her feeeling for my mom to us. Her problem, not ours. My father's mother died before I was born. His father died when I was 7 or 8. I only saw him a few times. Twice sober... once in a dry-out tank. 2nd time in his coffin.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Do you deny that 'teaching independence' by staying away months at a time is the same as carefully-hidden selfishness on the part of parents who forget they have a duty still? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
My kids are as far away as a phone call or e-mail. And just who do you think we should be with???? Anna who is out in NM (seeing the USA with our blessing and working too) or Stacey who is in NC (working). We are currently in S GA (working). We will be spending Easter with Stacey.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Are you ok with your children NOT being a daily part of your parents' lives? Or vice-versa? </div></BLOCKQUOTE> Oh please!!! The girls are 20 YO! They don't have any kids!! And they know when they do, they will most likely have the next generation of twins! (Great Birth Control Incentive!!) And there's no telling where any of us will be at that point in time.
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">He even knows a significant portion of remodeling procedures. He's well-taught in financial matters, keeping his own cell phone bill, checkbook and credit card in line. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
The girls have both worked with David in remodeling (Stacey even built a window to match perfectly an existing vintage window (estimated 80 yo) and had NEVER done anything like it... David told her what he expected and gave her a few tips then turned her loose) . They've had checking accounts & debit cards since they were 16 YO... their cell phone is still on our plan because its only $10/mo that way. Oh and Stacey get's little fat PITA cat because the cat is going psycho, I think it's due to the dog passing recentlyu (the cat belonged to the dog).

We like our kids but David grew up with lots of freedom (from living in a tiny town while my mom kept me on a short leash... bad for my temperment. We have always moved around (our family's theme song is "The Traveler - Days are Numbers by The Alan Parsons Project). I homeschooled our kids and that allowed us to take them every where we went. Now they like to go too (It's a thing in my mom's side of the family... lots of "traveling feet").

Now, stop trying to guilt trip anyone because we like to wander and have taught the same to our kids.

[Lorna]

Salutations from the Twin in NC!

Camposborne; It's alright to be attached to your family, mate, and you shouldn't stop feeling that way when your son becomes a teen. But feeling attached to people and downright possesive is two totally different things. If you hold on too tightly then the person you're hanging onto will resent it and you'll be hated for it.

As much as I'm loathed to agree with her (Got'cha, Anna) I do very much agree with my sister. Why should parents stay in one place in a boring existance when they have completed their main job (IE Raising their children)? They should be rewarded for making another generation that is fully self-sufficiant.

There is no more duty. The job, duty, damage, whatever it may be, is done. Over. Finished. Mission Completed. All they need to do is sit back and be happy with the knowledge that what they have set out to do is now in the hands of another.

Yes, sure, I resented my parents for abandoning me to a township I dispise (I object to people who are bloody well PROUD to have never been out of the COUNTY), but like my mother and sister have stated often, they are but a phonecall away. It may be a few days, and the conversation may be short, but I DO have a life outside of my family members (thank the gods) and I do intend on living it before my own stint in an RV.

I have no intentions of having children (I know what "we're" capable of...and it's a nasty fight from there) and I have no intentions of forcing my parents to stay with me because I'm scared of being by myself.

(Which I'm not. Really. Honest. Stop laughing!)

That is all.
-Stacey
(Stuck in bloody Franklin)

[RollingWheels]

I needed a separate account for this. If you and I are going to tango, I'd rather do it under my own name then my Mothers'.

Camposborne, I will politely answer your questions the best that I can.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by camposborne:
Where were your grandparents when you grew up? Did they move away? Or head out in a Winnebago and stay gone months at a time? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

They were in North Carolina, working. Believe it or not, they had lives outside of myself, sister and parents. They had jobs and friends and hobbies.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">How about your parents' grandparents? Were they around when your parents were growing up? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

See Mom's post. She can explain it better then I ever could.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Do you deny that 'teaching independence' by staying away months at a time is the same as carefully-hidden selfishness on the part of parents who forget they have a duty still? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I would hope that the parents would have already taught their children to be independent before the adult kids moved out on their own. And what duty do they have to perform now? Make sure their kids still take their baths and remind them to rush their teeth? I don't think anyone is being selfish here. As Stacey said; their job is done.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Are you ok with your children NOT being a daily part of your parents' lives? Or vice-versa? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Considering that I'm only 20 years old and don't have a boyfriend (much less kids) I am happy to state that I would be very happy if my parents weren't a part of my possible children's future. I mean, I know I was a real pain the Mom and Dad's neck growing up, I'm sure my kids would be worse. Besides, my parents need alone time -- with each other -- to enjoy being without kids.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Now just to clear this up, I'm not talking grandparents taking a month or two and going cross-country. I'm speaking to those of you who plan on being gone all the time, those who move away from your kids, or those that full-time and only see your offspring and their offspring a couple weeks a year. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Lady, I have no problem with that. It's no different then how most people see their grandparents/grandchildren these days anyways. People are moving farther and farther away from their hometown lives in search of new and more interesting things. How long is your kid going to stay in Sleepy Springs after he's done with highschool? Do you think he'll be happy going to a local college that may or may not provide him the educational expertise that he may or may not seek when he grows up? More to the fact; will you?

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">I'm going to say something that is shocking to most of you - hold your seat, Anna. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

It sounds to me like you're trying to scare me. I've lived through an awful lot of personal Hells. I doubt you could scare me more then that.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">I LIKE my son as a person. My husband LIKES our son as a person. He's in honors classes, earning college credits at 14 already. He's mastered every job in the house, domestic and maintenance, so that he can eventually run his own. He even knows a significant portion of remodeling procedures. He's well-taught in financial matters, keeping his own cell phone bill, checkbook and credit card in line. He's also the pied piper of the cats and dogs, taking care of each one through the day when my husband and I work. And on top of it - he's a pleasure to be around. His teachers speak highly, he's in De Molay, works with charities, and even spends 40 hours a month in marching band activities, with his eye on Drum Major. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I graduated in the top 10 percent, along with my sister, in the Nation. Big deal, so your kid is smart. Wonderful. But can he take care of himself -- not the house, himself. -- when he has to? He seems to be an alright, stand up kid, good job. But you can't keep him under your wing forever.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">So why would I, or my husband, or my family, want to go through life WITHOUT him present and accounted for? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'm guessing that he's your only son, correct? Love him always the way you do now, but he will grow up. He will move out. A pretty high percentage says he'll move more then 100 miles away. Keep in contact anyway you can, he's not going to live down the block or in your basement forever. He'll get a girlfriend and move away, get married (to which you will be invited to the wedding) and have kids. That's the way life is.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Like I tell the young, unmarried ones here - it's called 'interdependence'. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I know what interdependence is. But I (and the psychological community would agree) call it suffocation.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">So, as you can see Anna, it's not about "closure"�. It's about taking a village to raise a child, and about those that love their jobs raising children and grandchildren, and those that run from them. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

You still need closure from your Father. Also, I'm still waiting for you to "shock" me. Is a live wire included?

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">The original question was how to deal with the months a part – she was not questioning being lesser of a person for loving her family so much...the world needs more people like Dianne. Period. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

Lady, you're the one that brought up the comments about Full-timers being selfish. I disagreed, stated my opinion and left at that. You continued this little debate. The horse is dead, stop beating it.

Everyone deals with separation differently. Phone calls, e-mails, video recordings. Do you know what I did when I moved away from the family I knew and still hold dear? I toughed it out. I love my family more then ever since I moved away but I don't miss them as much. Separation is hard but it's inevitable.

It's what's called a necessary evil. You know, like the President or Taxes.

[camposborne]

Anna:

I wasn't trying to bring on a sparring death-match. All I was trying to point out was that families are different and the psychological reasoning behind it. As you can tell from the posts before ours, some were on one side of the coin, others flipped it and took the other side. My family, and extended family, is extremely close. Two full family reunions a year, cousins in business with cousins, and most if not all see each other on a weekly basis. Not everyone lives with 25 cousins plus spouses and kids spending summers with them at a 2-bedroom lake cottage. To some, having that many people around all the time would scare the bejeezies out of them. To us, it's a wonderful life. It's not suffocating, it's actually very liberating because you realize that no matter what, someone always has your back. There is always someone to count on and someone to call when you need something. One of the girls that works with me has the same thing. She, her parents, grandparents and cousins e-mail and call each other all day long. For many families, that's just the way it is. For others, not so much.

Lorna:

I honestly appreciate your honesty in sharing your background because I think when it's compared to mine, it illustrates perfectly the difference in how we run our lives. And that's really important in this discussion! It is good that we're able to look at this and say that we can agree to disagree because that's what life is about.

Stacey:

Some stuff you wrote actually had me laughing, and I hope that it's what you intended! Your honesty was also refreshing and your opinions were well stated. I can respect where you are coming from.

*****
Hopefully this didn't totally upset you all as it truly wasn't meant to be hurtful. But I have a tendency to stir the pot a bit, and when I do, some people learn a bit more about themselves while others get very angry at me for it. I am a Sagittarius, what can I say?

I do have to say that I think it's the most well-spoken and sincere discussion I have ever had on a forum and I think you gals are all great because of it! I hope I get to meet up with you in the campgrounds because I really think we'd have a good time comparing other views on life.

I will stop typing now and give someone else a turn, but again, thanks for the chance to discuss something like this. I knew I liked this group for a reason...

[diandtom]

WOW I had no idea when I posted this question last Oct. it would open such a can of worms! My situation has changed since then. My daughter/best friend has now moved to Myrtle Beach. DH bought us both webcams so I can see the grand kids while I talk to them-the newness soon wore off though! My daughter and I both have unlimited anytime of day long distance,I talk to her so often I haven't had time to miss her(she is the one doing 90% of the calling too)! When we are on trips we both have the same cell phone company and free cell phone to cell phone service so we still keep in touch.She is now divorced and the kids come back around twice a month to see their Dad,but thats HIS time with the kids,not mine! I meet them,maybe at a fast food restaurant for a quick supper and some "sugar" before they go to their Dad's.Due to major back surgery coming up the end of April our cross country trip has been put off until next year,so I am gradually being "weaned" away from the need/want to see them so often. They are very happy in their new home so that makes me happy too and helps.

Dianne

[RollingWheels]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by camposborne:
I wasn't trying to bring on a sparring death-match. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

What?! You mean I don't get my dance?! Aw, now I'm depressed.

Worry not Camposbourne, you didn't upset anyone. At least, I don't think so. I very rarely come over to this forum, but my mother is here a lot and I learn things from her. The people here seem to be very nice and understanding lot. They get passionate, not hurt.

It would seem that you and I both had fun with our little debate though. I wouldn't mind another one as long as there are no real flames and the laptop stays intact. (it wants to just out the window and see if it can fly.)

And, as for star signs.... I'm a Scorpio.

[Lorna]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content"> Stacey:

Some stuff you wrote actually had me laughing, and I hope that it's what you intended! Your honesty was also refreshing and your opinions were well stated. I can respect where you are coming from. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

BONSAI! My job here is done. Arigato, Sayonara.
-Stacey