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Old 12-11-2020, 04:06 PM   #239
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Back in the day it was "don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see" Now you can't believe anything you see either!
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Old 12-11-2020, 05:12 PM   #240
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rarebear.nm View Post
What happens if I'm scared half to death twice?
You still have a quarter of a life left.
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Old 12-12-2020, 07:18 AM   #241
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Puns for Educated Minds

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says,'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Old 12-12-2020, 08:01 AM   #242
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Be careful how you treat other people on the way up. You may meet them again on the way down!
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Old 12-12-2020, 12:12 PM   #243
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A variant of one above:

Luck is the residue of design.

And something to ponder:

About half of all Americans are below average.
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Old 12-12-2020, 12:17 PM   #244
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Nothing is good nor bad but that thinking makes it so.
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Old 12-12-2020, 12:27 PM   #245
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FL420 - That means you will never really die.
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Old 12-12-2020, 12:34 PM   #246
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Quote:
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FL420 - That means you will never really die.
If you keep doing the math you'll get to the time when you realize you're on your last day. Then you WILL be scared to death.
Fini.
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Old 12-12-2020, 06:57 PM   #247
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"I once cried because I had no shoes........then I met a man who had no feet."
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Old 12-12-2020, 06:59 PM   #248
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My mother's favorite saying just before a downswing of the belt, "You made your bed, now lie in it."
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Old 12-13-2020, 02:06 PM   #249
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Golf

Golf: An inefficient method of putting an insignificant sphere into an obscure receptacle with an inadequate device.
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Old 12-13-2020, 02:08 PM   #250
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Fox hunt: the unspeakable in full pursuit of the inedible.
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“To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.” - Dr Suess
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Old 12-13-2020, 02:10 PM   #251
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Life is hard and then you die.
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Old 12-13-2020, 02:33 PM   #252
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Let a sleeping dog lie.

Life is tough, but it’s tougher when you’re stupid.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
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